Let’s talk about pizza toppings for a minute. Some a great, some are bad, some are really bad. Now we’re not talking about various arrangements of ingredients that a fancy restaurant can assemble atop a flatbread and call a pizza. We’re talking about actual toppings, ones that would go atop a plain cheese pizza like you’d find at an old-school New York pizzeria. And these are all actual toppings that have gone on actual pizzas; obviously, jelly beans and granola are absolutely miserable pizza toppers, but nobody’s attempting that. If you top your cheese pizza with any of the below ingredients, please stop. Now.
Spinach has no place on a pizza. When raw spinach leaves are put into an oven, they get soggy and drain water onto everything they’re in contact with, and their flavor is so subtle that you’ll barely even taste it. All you’ll know is that your pizza is soggier than it should be.
Photo Modified: Flickr/ Gloria Cabada-Leman/ CC4.0
You know what pizza has on it? Tomato sauce. No more tomatoes are necessary, especially raw sliced ones. When you top pizza with raw sliced tomatoes and put it in an oven, they’re not in there long enough to actually develop any discernible caramelized, cooked tomato flavor. All they do is let go of water and dry up a little, leaving your pizza sogged with mushy hot tomatoes and gross hot tomato water.
First of all, seafood and cheese really have no place being eaten at the same time (ask any Italian). And shrimp paired with marinara sauce and mozzarella is nothing short of an abomination. There’s just no way that this combination can taste good. Yes, I know that shrimp parmigiana also exists, but that’s an abomination too.
Pineapple is very sweet, sour, and tropical. Pineapple has no reason to share a bite with any sort of cheese. Even cheese doesn’t want to be paired with pineapple; it curdles in its presence. Leave pineapple off your pizza, even if it’s also paired with ham.
I’m sorry, but this is just gross. Tuna on pizza looks disgusting, the flavors don’t work together (see shrimp above), and when canned tuna is heated and mixed with dairy the smell can clear a room. If you want tuna, eat it on a sandwich. If you want pizza, eat pizza. Just don’t mix the two.
We’ve discussed this before; If you’re eating a decent slice of pizza, there’s no reason to squirt a tangy mayo-based sauce all over it. Ranch dressing is for salad and wings, not pizza.
Believe it or not, some pizzerias offer something called a “salad pizza,” where they’ll cook up a fresh cheese pizza and ruin it by topping it with chopped lettuce and other cold salad ingredients. You can’t just take a random dish, put it on top of pizza, and call it a day; the lettuce wilts, none of the flavors work together, and the whole damn thing is ruined, just because something thought that adding salad to pizza would make it healthier. They probably dressed it with Ranch, too.