It’s the eve of two very important drinking holidays in the good old US of A: Cinco de Mayo and Derby Day. And much like St. Patrick’s Day, these holidays have basically turned into excuses to drink (or day drink), wear costumes, order drinks you’d never order normally order (unless mint juleps and tequila shots happen to be your drink of choice), and get rowdy. I mean, how many people really know that Cinco de Mayo was about the Battle of Puebla, anyways?
While it may not be incredibly clear how certain holidays evolved into controlled drinking chaos, one thing is clear: almost every holiday we celebrate in the States has in some way has become synonymous with a signature drink. There are turkey-inspired cocktails for Thanksgiving, Peeps cocktails for Easter (not that we can totally recommend those), and even Valentine’s Day cocktails that usually include a dollop of whipped cream (because, obviously). And despite our best efforts to encourage responsible consumption, that school of thought is often thrown out the window. Perhaps it’s Doug Barry, in a commentary at Jezebel, who best takes on our inability to celebrate anything sober: "All of the … holidays have substance-use/abuse on the docket. As in, they're not mere excuses to chemically alter your state of mind the way St. Patrick's Day and Cinco de Mayo are — they're pretty much insufferable for adults who don't indulge in something… The mere idea that any of these holidays can be enjoyed stone-cold sober is like some cruel Gregorian joke."
So it’s why we decided to "rank" these absurd holidays, with a very "real" methodology — because drinking holidays are very serious indeed. We considered the following factors to arrive at our list, ranked on a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being the lowest risk of being drunk, 10 being the highest:
- Guarantee of a Hangover (and No Guarantee of Work Off the Next Day)
- Strength of the Signature Drink
- Holiday Attire
- Length of Celebration
So you know, pull out the sombreros this weekend — just don’t go too crazy. (Runners-up on our list: Derby Day, the Oscars, pride parade, graduation day, birthdays, and, in the case of two staffers, Thursdays). Click ahead for our super serious, super subjective (…) list of drinking holidays, ranked by level of booziness.