Nina In New York: The Apple Watch Is The Worst, Obviously (Everyone Agrees, Right?)

A lighthearted look at news, events, culture and everyday life in New York. The opinions expressed are solely those of the writer.
______________

By Nina Pajak

When I was an editor of my high school newspaper, I published an op-ed waxing histrionic about the obvious pitfalls and ills of the newly and rapidly popularizing personal cell phone. Why would anyone want to be reachable all the time? Why would people elect not to unplug, not to take quiet time, not to relish their time at home alone and with their nuclear families and treat it as a respite from the responsibilities they face each day? They wouldn't, of course. Sure, cell phones made sense for emergencies, but keep that ish in your glove box, fools! I declared, of course, that they would never catch on. You guys, think about it: NOBODY WILL WANT THESE DEVIL CONTRAPTIONS. Whatever. I stand by my youthful idealism. Find me a teenager today who would shudder at the idea of not having time to unplug from the world. You know you wish you could.

Now, at the risk of again taking one of the least prescient, most profoundly incorrect positions of all time, I'm going to go out on another limb and express my total disdain for the Apple Watch. I know, everyone is super excited to walk around like James Bond or Penny from Inspector Gadget, talking into their wrists like super spies. There's even a feature that allows you to buzz your other Apple Watch wearing friends with a simple tap on your own device. Aspects of it do seem kind of fun, I'll admit. But fun like playing with a set of walkie talkies with your friend across the street. I said it fifteen years ago, and I'll say it now: why would anybody want this?

Apple envisions people using the watch to do everything from text message, make calls, check Facebook and email, listen to music, track exercise, and get directions. Also, sending finger-drawn "light messages," whatever that means to people. Basically, the watch would allow us to see and access what's going on on our phones without moving 85% of the muscles associated with the onerous task of removing a 112 grams of electronic equipment from our pockets or bags. It'll save you time and energy wasted on taking phones out and putting them back, thereby giving you more time and energy to concentrate on what matters most: finding out why your phone keeps buzzing. It just makes sense. If you're willing to acknowledge that you've finally made that last little jump that represents your official departure from sanity, social grace, and the world at large.

I'm sure that I'll be proven as wrong as a person can be, yet again, and that the Apple Watch is just the first step into a whole new culture of smart devices. Soon we'll all be tapping away and chatting into our wrists, walking headlong into traffic (louder and more often than we already do). When the aliens and/or robot/aliens come to destroy our civilization, they will find us blindly bumping around like Roombas, unable to look up long enough to see the laser death beam/giant impenetrable dome/Roomba army coming for us. And when that time comes, if I'm still alive, I hope I'll have the presence of mind to detach my retinas from my Apple prosthesis to muster a triumphant "aha!" But, you know, then I'll go back to seeing who just tagged me on Instagram because if my eyes are closed someone is going down.

Nina Pajak is a writer living with her husband, daughter and dog in Queens. Connect with Nina on Twitter!