Are You Addicted to Starbucks? 12 Ways to Tell (Slideshow)
July 15, 2014
Loving the lattes is still nothing to be ashamed of
You Have a Favorite Starbucks
Your friends tell you it doesn’t matter, every Starbucks is exactly the same, but you know this statement to be false. At your Starbucks the lattes are never short a pump and the foam is as stiff and pale as angel’s wings.
Alternately, There are Certain Starbucks You Refuse to Visit
Maybe their macchiato just sort of tastes off, or one time a new, confused barista got an attitude with you when you ordered a 120-degree latte. For whatever reason, that Starbucks is dead to you now. And God forbid someone tries to make you go to one of those pseudo-Bucks inside a Target. Those are amateur hour shenanigans, and you’d be better off hopping the counter and mixing up that strawberry Frappuccino yourself.
You’ve “Helpfully” Shouted Instructions From Across the Counter
Listen, you’ve been coming to Starbucks since Clueless was in theatres, okay? And you’re not trying to be mean, but you could taste the difference between regular and sugar-free cinnamon dolce syrup on the second day of a head cold with a burn on your tongue.
You’ve Got a Favorite Barista
The one who starts your drink before you even open the door, which makes it a little awkward if you ever want to switch it up, but it’s not like your bestierista would ever be anything but supportive of your beverage choices. You’ll admit to being bummed that he quit to go to law school, even if you are happy for his new opportunity.
You Feel Weird Ordering at Other Coffee Shops
What do they mean there’s no venti? How big is this “large” they speak of? “Skinny” simply means nonfat milk and doesn’t indicate that you wanted sugar-free syrup as well? You’ve been speaking Starbucks so long that other coffee shops have begun to feel like hostile foreign countries where one false move can leave you weeping into a chipped mug of lukewarm decaf.
Moods and Seasons Have Started to Taste Like Starbucks
A pumpkin spice latte tastes like fall to you. Iced upside down caramel macchiato tastes like a celebration. Venti soy tastes like a Wednesday afternoon. Iced passion tea with one sugar tastes like a hangover. Remember the days before Starbucks when coffee tasted gross? Ha! What a dark, sad time.
Home Brewed Coffee Tastes Strange
When you’re invited to a friend’s house and he or she offers you a cup of coffee, you panic. Why is it so bitter? Why is the cup so small? Is everyone just drinking one of these tiny little cups of weird black sludge? When you’ve been mainlining troughs of caffeine every day for years, one dinky little after dinner cup of Joe feels like a child’s tea party.
You Feel Superior to Newbies
You hate to admit it, but you’ve rolled you eyes when you stood in line behind someone struggling to order “A medium, I guess? Cappuccino? But like, a chocolate one?” You’ve wanted to push a baffled newcomer to the side and yell, “She’ll take a grande mocha” to move things along.
You’ve Argued With a Loved One Over Your Starbucks Spending
If your spouse has ever shouted, “You spent $300 this month on coffee?” in bewildered anger, then he or she knows what it is to be cuckolded by the Bucks.
You’ve Tried, and Failed, To Tame Your Obsession
Maybe your mom bought you an espresso machine to make “those coffee things you like” or maybe you found an iced coffee recipe that sounded pretty killer, so you bought Starbucks brand coffee and syrup to try your hand at being your own barista and lied to yourself for a week that you totally couldn’t taste the difference. Come Monday morning, you were right back in line. Your bestierista asked if you’d been on vacation.
You’ve Won a Starbucks-Related Game of “That’s Nothing”
A co-worker says, “I’ve been so bad this week. I went to Starbucks twice.” Your reply? “That’s nothing.” Because you’ve been to Starbucks twice already today.
You Will Defend Your Beloved Coffee At All Costs
It’s become pretty popular to bash Starbucks and the folks who love it as people who don’t understand “real” coffee. But your love is real, and no one can take that away from you.