If someone doesn’t turn this man’s story into a made-for-TV movie, we’re going to just quit believing in love and happiness entirely. This inebriated cowboy got stopped partway through his quest to ride 600 miles on horseback with nothing but his pug and a jug of booze for company.
While the man was also accused of animal cruelty, which is never funny, it seems that these charges may have been false, and that he was simply trying to drunkenly ride across the country in order to attend a wedding.
"I got me a good horse," the gentleman is reported to have said. "I can get anywhere I need to go."
Truer words, friend.
Pause for a moment, dear readers, and refrain from judging this man too quickly. Imagine: you’re usually a fairly law-abiding citizen, but you’re tipsy, and the world looks shiny and seems to be swimming before you. Ok, you’re more than tipsy, you’re a little drunk. You’re a little drunk and you see cake, so much cake, all the cake, fields of cake, and not only that, but it’s free! Free cake. All of the free cake. 10,000 free cakes, to be precise, and they’re all made by the Cake Boss himself, and you just love the Cake Boss. Is it stealing to just help yourself to a few of these free cakes from the storage area rather than waiting in line with the rest of Pittsburgh for a cake? Is this illegal or is it merely clever? The cake is free, after all. You are just circumventing the cake-line. The drunk logic here is tight as a drum.
Yeah, it was, technically, illegal. Still, though. We feel you, Cake Thief. There but for the dearth of free cakes in New York go we.
The truth is that drunk-swimming, like drunk-biking, is incredibly dangerous, nobody should ever do it, we are firmly, officially against anyone drunk-swimming ever, but if you’ve done it you know how totally, unbelievably fun it is. Patrick McAfee, a former punter for the Indianapolis Colts, certainly knows how fun — and problematic — an activity it can be. He found himself talking to the police after a night of drunk-swimming in some canals, and explained to the police that he was wet not because he had been illegally swimming, but because it had just rained (the police were unfortunately familiar with the concept of rain, and were able to surmise that it had not, in fact, just rained). When they asked McAfee how much he’d had to drink that night, McAfee responded, “A lot because I am drunk.” Then he had a little enforced sleepover in the clink. Slow clap, sir, a slow clap for you.
Oh, Florida. Elizabeth Bishop contested that this was “the state with the prettiest name,” and while that may well be, it’s now largely regarded as “the state that functions as the police blotter of America.” If someone does something improbably trashy and ridiculous, we all know that the event likely took place in Florida. A dude stages a robbery to avoid going to work? That’s got to be a Florida story. A dude fell asleep, drunk in his pick-up in the Taco Bell drive-through, only to be awakened from his slumber by some police officers, to whom he proffered not the identification they asked for, but instead a cold taco? Florida story, no doubt. Never change, Florida. Never change.
Oh, Our Lady of Drunken Idiocy: when the Drinking Gods smile upon you so sunnily that they let you get away with binge-drinking and then passing your scheduled Breathalyzer test (not exactly a recommended course of action begin with), you do not tempt them by sharing the news on Facebook, where your parole officer can easily read it. Nay: you go meekly into the night, you say your prayers, and you count your dumb self extremely lucky. Little Miss Facebook Brags, however, brought this unpleasantness directly upon herself by violating the terms of her parole and telling the world all about it via social media.
There’s something impossibly sweet, genuine, and deeply human about this particular piece of drunken idiocy. In a boozy haze, one lost and swaying gentleman stood up to death: he refused to accept the limitations of mortality, its terrifying inescapability. And how did he do this? Did he direct a brilliant film in the style of The Seventh Seal? Did he paint a work in conversation with Caravaggio’s “The Entombment of Christ?” No, he tried to resuscitate a dead possum on the roadside. We imagine him slapping the creature’s tiny rat face repeatedly while screaming, “Don’t leave me! Don’t you dare leave me!” We are no longer sure if this is funny or deeply tragic.
If there’s one thing cops respond well to, it’s explanations for DUIs. If there’s another thing they respond well to, it’s the idea that driving drunk is a totally natural and a great idea. This genius decided to combine the two by telling cops who pulled him over that his wife was upset with his over-drinking, so he decided the best course of action would be to “drive it off.” Walking it off, we’ve heard of. Driving it off? Not so much. Five points for creativity, sir, but negative 20 for actually endangering people’s lives with your ignorance.
This video is glorious. The setting? A quiet country road, dappled with sunlight and beset on either side by tall, graceful trees. The steady hum of a lawnmower roars throughout the scene. Our anti-hero is Steve, astride his lawnmower.
“Pull it over, Steve. Stop the lawnmower.”
Steve stops the mower, and eventually complies with turning it off.
“Steve! Right, how many times I got to tell you, you can’t be driving down the road, drinking, on a lawnmower?”
In his defense, Steve was only going down to the oyster shack, man.
You can order strippers who will pretend they’re cops (Hot Cops!), but you can’t order a cop and be upset that he refuses to act like a stripper. After drinking more than was remotely advisable, this besotted lady got herself arrested for abusing 911: she liked the cop who showed up at her door so much the first time that after hitting on him in some of the boldest terms imaginable (and getting turned down), she dialed 911 repeatedly in the hopes of getting his, ahem, services over and over. Abusing the 911 system as your personal dating service isn’t exactly legal, and her misuse of anemergency services line lead to her subsequent arrest.
Police dogs are officers, too. You’re not really supposed to taunt them, and if you do, you really shouldn’t do so in their native tongue. When you've been out drinking, you might think you are capable of communicating wtih animals, but you’re probably not as fluent in K-9 as you think. Besides, even if you are able to talk with them, you’re bound to put your foot in your mouth — which is almost certainly why this gentleman found himself arrested for tipsily attempting to communicate with his furry antagonist in a series of barks and growls.