Coffee: Has any beverage inspired more chance encounters and first dates than this humble brew? Do you ever wonder what your coffee choice communicates to your date? This handy primer aims to decode the mysteries of your favorite cup.
Black Coffee Drinkers: They are self-possessed and kind of badass. Acquaintances may describe them as "blunt" and "gruff" on a good day. They lean against the doors on the subway because that’s what they’re there for, b*tches! If you find yourself on a date with a gruff black coffee drinker, the challenge is getting them to laugh a little more.
8 A.M. Decaf Coffee with Half-and-Half: They are the definition of milquetoast, not to mention insecure and a touch confounding. They love non-alcoholic beer. They were relegated to the bench after giving a particularly deflating pep talk to your high school Cross Country team. Or something. 8 A.M. Decaf Coffee with Half-and-Half drinkers are often attracted to non-8 A.M. Decaf Coffee with Half-and-Half drinkers, as they are searching for something a little more adventurous than themselves.
Double Shot Espresso: They are not self-starters, but they are definitely go-getters. Life is a series of events that they attack with gusto. They go big, but God knows they never go home. In the dating realm, it obviously takes energy and stamina to keep up with a Double Shot Espresso drinker.
Cold Brew in a Bottle: Your dating life will be one big party with one of these coffee drinkers. If it’s you, you’d rather be drinking a beer, but beer won’t lift you off the stinking pavement at 10 a.m. on a 100-degree day. You are probably wearing a straw fedora. You are most definitely wearing a low-cut, striped tank top that coquettishly reveals a wishbone necklace or errant chest hairs.
Cappuccino: If you find yourself on a date with a cappuccino drinker, prepare yourself for romance and intrigue. They are usually the insouciant hot girl/guy in the corner. They dance with abandon. Their morning-after scrambled eggs are epic. They thrive on independence, but they tell the best stories at parties. (They might be my ex.)
Macchiato: Cerebral and refined, they linger over the small pleasures in life. They always return library books before they’re due. Rest assured — you can rely on them in any situation.
Soy Latte: Their body is a temple. Kale is the vegetable of choice. They might be lactose intolerant, but they’re probably afraid the whole milk will go straight to their thighs. They might need to be reminded that, hey — it’s OK; it goes to everyone else’s thighs, too.
Iced Vanilla Mint Frappuccino with Extra Whipped Cream: Their personality screams SUPER HAPPY FUN, for two reasons. They are generally boisterous and they’ve always just ingested too much sugar. They love Christmas! But actually, they hate coffee.
Tea: Tea drinkers are rebels. Who drinks tea at a coffee shop? They do! They are unfailingly polite. Mothers ask after them, always. They secretly wish they were drinking coffee.
—Eliza Light, How About We
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