Read Jesse Eisenberg's 'Restaurant Reviews From a Privileged 9-Year-Old'

Of course he's published by McSweeney's
Jesse Eisenberg
Wikimedia/arincrumley

With the proliferation of precocious young restuarant reviewers, Jesse Eisenberg has got it right. Over at his column (who knew he had a column?!) at McSweeney's, his "Restaurant Reviews From a Privileged Nine-Year-Old" are both heartbreaking and hilarious. Amidst all those young'uns talking about foie gras, Eisenberg has created a nine-year-old critic we can actually relate to. Some examples?

Eisenberg's 9-year-old character chose to review TCBY (The Country's Best Yogurt) in his latest column. Of course a 9-year-old would choose a fro-yo place for dinner.

This line: "I know you’re not supposed to brag and it’s wrong to say that you have the best yogurt in the country but Mom always says if you want something hard enough, you can get it. And since TCBY wants to have the best yogurt so much that they made it their name, maybe they do have the best yogurt."

He is not a fan of sushi, describing it as "mashed up red fish bodies in brown sauce."

This metaphor: "But Mom said that I have to eat it because Sushi Nozawa was 'famous for their tuna.' At school, there is a kid named Billy who everyone secretly calls Billy the Bully and who puts toothpaste on the teacher’s chair before she comes into the classroom. He is also famous."

And finally, this disclaimer: "The opinions expressed below are of the nine-year-old reviewer’s, and do not necessarily reflect those of McSweeney’s."

Eisenberg's privileged 9-year-old also tries an Iraqi restaurant and a hotel bar. Not a bad list, but out of 2,000 stars only TCBY hits above the 1,000 star mark. Which sounds about right. Read them all over at McSweeney's.