bagel bread sliced
Ozgur Coskun / istockphoto

Monster Orders Bagels ‘Bread Sliced,’ Twitter Rages

Who would do such a thing?
bagel bread sliced
Ozgur Coskun / istockphoto

All bagels should be sliced horizontally. All of them. Even the ones in St. Louis, Missouri, where apparently it’s a thing to cut them up like a loaf of Wonder Bread. Until now, this perversion was unknown to the rest of the country. Enter Gateway City native Alek Krautmann, currently of Washington, D.C. He’s probably a pretty nice guy, but he definitely ruffled a few feathers on the internet by tweeting a photo of Panera Bread bagels “bread sliced,” calling the technique a “St. Louis secret.” 

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“Today I introduced my coworkers to the St. Louis secret of ordering bagels bread sliced. It was a hit!” Krautmann captioned the post. In true Twitter fashion, the opinions came in like a wrecking ball.

“Who told you this was ok,” @justkelly_ok asked.

“Stay out of New York,” the Education and Engagement Unit of the New York Conflicts of Interest Board said.

"We regret to inform you that St. Louis is cancelled," @bentev28 said.

“Delete this,” @robrousseau said.

“I believe this is a Class A felony in New York City. And if it’s not, it should be,” New York City councilman Justin Brannan said.

And of course, Krautmann’s “bagels” got the meme treatment.

“About to mow down some St. Louis style mac and cheese,” @valhallabckgirl captioned an unappetizing photo of rainbow-colored noodles.

“Steak and bananas (St. Louis style),” @melip0ne said with… well, just look for yourself.

The same user also offered “Colgate on bread (St. Louis style),” and “St. Louis style strawberry milk,” which is (prepare yourself) ketchup in milk.

In a thread, Krautmann explains the method to his madness. People can take however many slices they want throughout the day — specific slice depending on personal preference — enabling people to take advantage of being able to mix and match pieces from different bagels. Since they’re being sliced vertically instead of horizontally, there’s extra surface area, meaning more cream cheese. The remaining stale slices are “nice bagel chips with hummus.”

Someone even confirmed that this is actually a thing and not just the really bizarre isolated incident it appears to be. 

“Can confirm. No one has ever eaten an entire cinnamon crunch bagel from St. Louis Bread Company (or ‘Panera’ for you other folk). It must be bread-sliced and shared. Justice for bread-sliced chocolate chip bagels, too. I stand by this tweet,” @christinastiehl said.

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Despite this revelation, we’re certain our future holds more bagels prepared the New York way: horizontally sliced with a fat helping of cream cheese and lox. What’s in the stars for you? This is what bagel you would be according to your zodiac sign.