Ask any Italian and they’ll tell you: cheese and seafood just don’t mix. Not only does the cheese ostensibly cover up the delicate flavor of the seafood, it’s also a flavor combination that just doesn’t work. In some parts of Italy pizzerias will offer a tuna pizza, but it’s usually just marinara, tuna, herbs, and add-ons like capers and onions. But once cheese is thrown into the mix, it becomes a wholly unappetizing proposition.
Korean fusion is all well and good, but lots of Asian food doesn’t quite mix with cheese, and kimchi, the spicy Korean pickled and fermented cabbage, is one of them. If you absolutely must add kimchi to your pizza, use it sparingly, and make sure it’s balanced out with compatible flavors like spicy sausage.
A good rule of thumb? If it’s good as sushi, it won’t be good on pizza. When you add uni to a hot slice of pizza the heat begins to melt it, making an already mushy food even moreso. Also, the briny, alkaline flavor of the uni simply doesn’t combine well with hot, melty cheese. There are a few people out there who claim to enjoy this combo, so we’ll leave it to them. As for raw fish, it’s both a texture and a flavor issue.
One thing lettuce does very well: wither and die as soon as it’s exposed to heat. And what is pizza? Hot. We’re mystified by those ‘salad’ pizzas that you sometimes see in pizzerias, otherwise good sliced piled with sad diced tomatoes and soggy, wilted shredded lettuce. If you want a salad, eat a salad. If you want a pizza, don’t put lettuce on it, for goodness sakes.
If you want proof of citrus and dairy not mixing, try squeezing a lemon into a glass of milk. It curdles immediately, and the resulting flavor is terrible. We’ll give a pass to those who wash their bowl of cereal down with a glass of orange juice, but anything beyond that—like adding orange slices to your pizza—is downright gross.
You know what you never see in Chinese food? Cheese. This is for a reason: Chinese food, even the Americanized stuff like General Tso’s, just doesn’t combine well with cheese. It’s one of the only cuisines on earth that can make that claim. Yes, Chinese food and pizza are two of the most popular lazy day delivery foods, but combine the two and you’ll wish you hadn’t.
In certain Asian markets Kewpie mayo finds its way onto chain pizza, but there’s really no reason for it to be there. Cheese is fattening enough; a squirt of gloopy mayo adds absolutely nothing of value to the mix.
Save the ice cream for dessert. Any dessert food, really, should not go anywhere near a pizza. You might think that the sweetness will play nicely with the saltiness of the cheese and tang of the sauce, but you’d be wrong. It’s just gross.