10 Crazy Hotel Concierge Food Requests (Slideshow)

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It’s not easy being a tourist

Nice Place for Breakfast

GUEST: We want breakfast at Donkey Donald’s.

CONCIERGE: Donkey Donald’s?

GUEST: Ehhhhhh, yes. Franchise?

CONCIERGE: Donkey Donald’s?

GUEST: Good breakfast.

(CONCIERGE Googles “Donkey Donald’s Franchise” and finds nothing)

CONCIERGE: I’m not familiar with it. Do you mean McDonald’s?

GUEST: HAHAHA! (In French to his family) He thinks we want McDonald’s!

FAMILY: HAHAHAHAHAHA!

GUEST: No. Nice place for breakfast with Donalds.

CONCIERGE: Can you write the name for me?

(Guest writes out “Dunkin Donuts.”)

CONCIERGE: Oh. Two blocks south.

GUEST: Popular place?

CONCIERGE: America runs on it.

GUEST: (impressed) Oh! Thank you!

It’s the One Thing We’ve Got

GUEST: We want to have breakfast at Tiffany’s. Can you make us a reservation?

CONCIERGE: They don’t actually serve breakfast.

(Guest rolls eyes)

GUEST: Well, brunch then.

What IS Brooklyn Crust?

GUEST: Hey there! We want a fantastic pizza place! We’re excited to try some real New York Pizza.

CONCIERGE: Absolutely! We have three really great places nearby, and two I can highly recommend if you’re willing to travel.

GUEST: Oh. Better stay nearby.

CONCIERGE: Well, there’s… [lists three pizza places nearby].

GUEST: Hm.

CONCIERGE: Yes?

GUEST: No Pizza Huts?

WIFE: They have the Brooklyn Crust.

(*Ed. Note: Actually it’s Domino’s that has Brooklyn-style, but that’s beside the point.)

How do you say, “I see you don’t like the orange juice,” in Portuguese?

moodboard/thinkstock

(An elderly Brazilian man approaches concierge carrying orange juice from the continental breakfast.)

ELDERLY BRAZILIAN: Ehhhh….

CONCIERGE: Yes?

(Elderly Brazilian holds up orange juice to concierge’s face.)

CONCIERGE: How may I help you?

ELDERLY BRAZILIAN: No good!

CONCIERGE: Oh. Tell the food and beverage attendants.

(He pushes orange juice closer.)

ELDERLY BRAZILIAN: Ehhhhhhh.

(He gestures for concierge to smell.)

CONCIERGE: Yes.

(He pushes orange juice closer.)

ELDERLY BRAZILIAN: Ehhhhhhhh, no.

(He pushes orange juice to concierge’s lips.)

CONCIERGE: Yes. I understand you don’t like the orange juice. I don’t need to taste it for you.

(The Elderly Brazilian removes the cup and then wags his fingers in the concierge’s face.)

ELDERLY BRAZILIAN: Speak Portuguese?

CONCIERGE: No.

(The Elderly Brazilian looks around as if to say, “Then who?”)

CONCIERGE: No one.

(The Elderly Brazilian leaves to find someone else to whom he can present his orange juice.)

A Trust Exercise

iStockphoto/ Thinkstock

GUEST: Do you remember when we came by here and we wanted a reservation at Mikey’s Bistro and you said it was closed?

CONCIERGE: I do.

GUEST: We went all the way there and guess what… it really was closed!

CONCIERGE: Right.

GUEST: Did you know that?

CONCIERGE: I did. I told you. Their website says they’re closed.

GUEST: You can’t trust what you read on the internet!

My Own Personal HELL…’s Kitchen.

GUEST: Hell’s Kitchen.

CONCIERGE: Do you want me to mark it on a map?

GUEST: That would be nice, wouldn’t it?

(Concierge circles the Hell’s Kitchen neighborhood.)

GUEST: (rolling eyes) I know where the neighborhood is. The restaurant.

CONCIERGE: Sure. There’s a casual Mexican restaurant called Hell’s Kitchen, but are you referring to the Gordon Ramsay restaurant? Just know that he doesn’t actually have a restaurant called Hell’s Kitchen here.

(Guest gets very nervous.)

GUEST: Why would I want that?

CONCIERGE: Ok. I’m sorry. I just have several guests come and ask where his Hell’s Kitchen restaurant is or they think this Hell’s Kitchen restaurant is some fancy place. It’s just a casual Mexican restaurant in the Hell’s Kitchen neighborhood.

GUEST: No. I know.

(Guest turns away, hesitates, turns back around.)

GUEST: So, what IS the name of Gordon Ramsay’s restaurant, just in case I wanted to go there?

A Guest’s Big Idea…

iStockphoto/Thinkstock

(Concierge is on the phone with a restaurant reservationist while the guest waits.)

CONCIERGE: I’m sorry, sir, 8 p.m. is not available. The restaurant only has space for a party of four people at 5:45 or 10 p.m.

GUEST: That won’t work. See if they have 7:30.

CONCIERGE: Do you have 7:30?

RESERVATIONIST: 5:45 or 10.

CONCIERGE: 5:45 or 10.

GUEST: What about 8:30?

CONCIERGE: 8:30?

RESERVATIONIST: 5:45 or 10.

CONCIERGE: 5:45 or 10.

GUEST: Make it for 9 and we’ll just go earlier and wait.

RESERVATIONIST: Ok, I can hear him. We’d prefer to not have him tonight. Tell him that we’ve just booked our 5:45 and 10 through Opentable now and we’re fully reserved.

CONCIERGE: Oh. Someone just booked their last two tables through OpenTable. They are fully committed.

GUEST: Oh.

(Guest gets big idea).

GUEST: Hey! How about you book us an 8:00 through OpenTable?

"Close" is not "in"

(Desk phone rings. Guest’s name pops up on caller ID)

CONCIERGE: (answers phone) Thank you for calling the concierge desk at ___, this is __, how may I assist you?

GUEST: (on phone) So APPARENTLY you don’t have a bar anymore??

CONCIERGE: Yes, unfortunately it’s closed for the season.

GUEST: Well that’s just great. Where am I supposed to get a drink around here?

CONCIERGE: There are plenty of places nearby to get a drink. There’s __ which is a cocktail lounge, __ which is a nice Irish pub-

GUEST: No, that’s not gonna work. I don’t need somewhere near here; I need somewhere near Penn Station to get a VERY QUICK DRINK with a work colleague. Just anywhere. Go.

CONCIERGE: Okay well there’s the Tryp Hotel, they have a nice bar, would be good for a quick meeting. There’s also Niles at the Affinia Hotel, the Statler at the Pennsylvania, and Nick & Stef’s Steakhouse on the street level-

GUEST: Are any of these in Penn Station?

CONCIERGE: Nick & Stef’s is right above it, and the others are very close.

GUEST: Okay, well CLOSE is not IN. I need somewhere IN Penn Station.

CONCIERGE: There’s not that many…

GUEST: What is there?

CONCIERGE: The only true bars are either a place called Tracks, it’s in the concourse-

GUEST: (laughs bitterly) Oh wow. “Tracks.” Yeah, right. That sounds niiice. That’s real great. How about somewhere decent?

CONCIERGE: (wounded) Ma’am, Penn Station is not Grand Central Station. It is not a beautiful train station. Your options for bars within Penn Station are called Tracks, Kabooz’s, or T.G.I. Friday’s.

GUEST: You mean to tell me that’s it???

CONCIERGE: (wanted to say) Oh I almost forgot, there’s also a lovely bar called Coors Light Tallboy In A Brown Paper Bag. That’s your fourth option.

CONCIERGE: (actually said) Yes, ma’am.

GUEST: UGH. This HOTEL is TERRIBLE!!! (tries to slam phone down on receiver, accidentally drops phone) Oh for CHRIST’S SAKE (hangs up).

9th. 8th. Same thing.

(A guest calls.)

GUEST: You made us a reservation at a restaurant. We are here, but the restaurant is not!

CONCIERGE: What restaurant?

GUEST: I don’t know! You wrote down here 51st street and 9th Ave.

CONCIERGE: Ok. And I wrote down the name of the restaurant.

GUEST: VYNL. But we are here and VYNL isn’t.

CONCIERGE: Huh? What do you see?

GUEST: Some restaurants and stuff, but not VYNL!

CONCIERGE: Do you see street signs?

GUEST: Yeah! 51st street.

CONCIERGE: And what’s the avenue?

GUEST: 8th! VYNL isn’t here!

CONCIERGE: Right. It’s on 9th. 9th and 51st. You’re on 8th and 51st.

GUEST: So what do I do? Turn left or right?

CONCIERGE: I don’t know which way you’re facing.

GUEST: 9th and 51st!

CONCIERGE: That’s where VYNL is. You are on 8th and 51st. You have to head west.

GUEST: Left or Right?

CONCIERGE: Do you see a cab?

GUEST: Yeah!

CONCIERGE: Get that cab and tell them 9th and 51st.

GUEST: How?

Cool. Snap. Snap.

photodisc/ thinkstock

GUEST: Hey, my man. What’s happenin’?

CONCIERGE: I’m great. Thanks. How can I assist you?

GUEST: Yeah, my man. We need a real hip lunch place.

CONCIERGE: What kind of food are you looking for?

GUEST: Cool stuff. Something real hip for her, ya dig?

(Guest points to a wide eyed 3-year-old who just wants a cookie.)

CONCIERGE: What food does she like?

GUEST: Some place with a slick vibe and a bunch of cool cats.

CONCIERGE: Cool Cats?

GUEST: Yeah, yeah, my man. Cool like you and me. You know… Coooooool.

(All light cigarettes. Concierge hits bongo. Nixon gets elected. Beat era is dead. Guest goes to Carmine’s.)