13 Unhealthiest Cold Starbucks Drinks (Slideshow)

These Starbucks menu items are shockingly bad for you

13. Caffe Espresso Frappuccino

Venti Iced, 24 ounces — 420 calories

Strap in, friends: The skim milk version still has more calories than a Wendy’s Junior Bacon Cheeseburger and more fat than their four-piece chicken nuggets. Use whole milk instead, and the fat rockets up to a six-piece. The best part? This is the least caloric Frappuccino on our list.

12. Vanilla Bean Crème Frappuccino

Venti, 20 ounces — 490 calories

This drink manages to pack more calories and nearly four times the fat and carbs as a slice of Papa John’s pizza. Of course, that fact is probably just going to inspire us to eat more pizza. Mmm, pizza.

11. Caramel Flan Frappuccino

Venti, 20 ounces — 490 calories

If you’re looking for a drink that combines the calorie count of Arby’s Steakhouse Onion Rings with more sugar than three full servings of Ben and Jerry’s Cherry Garcia, then look no further: this sweet, sloppy cold mess is for you. Granted, when you order a drink that has “Caramel Flan” in the title, you kind of know what you’re getting yourself into.

10. Shaked Iced Passion Tea Lemonade

Trenta Iced, 24 Ounces — 290 calories

While this herbal variation on an Arnold Palmer doesn’t pack the intense caloric punch — or high fat content — of its competitors, the sweet sipper makes the list due to sheer sugar tonnage. At 76 grams, this harmless-seeming thirst-quencher contains the sugar equivalent of nineteen Fla-Vor-Ice Pops. 

9. Strawberries & Crème Frappuccino Blended Crème

Venti, 20 Ounces — 470 calories

While this fruit blend may sound like a moderately healthy option in a menu riddled with caramels, cookie crumbles, and double-chocolate-chips, these strawberries are actually the extremely distant, non-speaking cousins of their produce-aisle counterparts. At 17 grams of fat per cup, you’re better off with an actual slice of strawberry shortcake. In fact, if you chose to nibble the classic Betty Crocker Classic Strawberry Shortcake recipe (which calls for butter, sugar, and whipped cream, by the way) instead, you would still be saving yourself 60 calories, 20 grams of carbs, and 48 grams of sugar.

8. White Chocolate Mocha Frappuccino Blended Beverage

Venti, 20 ounces — 550 calories

The sugar count in this beverage is truly remarkable: just one of these suckers contains more sugar than seven bowls of Froot Loops. Imagine pouring Froot Loops into your cereal bowl, splashing them with a healthy dose of milk, and waiting for all those super-sweet, faux fruit flavors to dissipate, swirling around in the porcelain. Then imagine doing that another six times, and slurping down the sugar sludge one by one. Gives you a stomachache just thinking about it, doesn’t it?

7. Tazo Green Tea Blended Crème with Soy Milk

Venti, 20 ounces — 420 calories

Green tea plus soy milk equals a health drink, right? Surprise! Do you know how many marshmallows you could stuff into your mouth for the equivalent amount of sugar? Twenty-one. Twenty-one marshmallows.

6. White Chocolate Crème Frappuccino Blended Crème

Venti, 20 ounces — 510 calories

65 freaking milligrams of cholesterol. That’s more cholesterol than a Whopper at Burger King. You could literally chug three full cups of Alfredo Sauce at the Golden Corral buffet and not even come close to touching that amount of cholesterol. Not to mention that it contains more sugar than six Ring Pops.

5. Caramel Ribbon Crunch Crème Frappuccino

Venti, 24 ounces — 560 calories

The Caramel Ribbon Crunch Crème Frappuccino has the same amount of saturated fat as a half-rack of baby back ribs. Enjoy it in the car on your afternoon commute, sipping largely out of sheer boredom and annoyance at the stop-and-go traffic. While you’re thus employed, this behemoth is gliding from your gullet directly into your arteries, coating the inside of your immensely necessary, fragile blood-pipes. Imagine the Caramel Ribbon Crunch Crème Frappuccino doing what it was born to do: dial your cardiologist and schedule a carotid angioplasty.

4. Java Chip Frappuccino

Venti, 24 ounces — 580 calories

We’re in the mood for seafood. The Java Chip Frappuccino contains more calories in its scant 24 ounces than the lobster-topped shrimp at Red Lobster, their Parrot Isle Jumbo Coconut Shrimp, or the Signature Sirloin with Garlic Herb Shrimp at Applebee’s. Additionally, the Java Chip Frappuccino  more sugar than two packets of Fun Dip.

3. Double Chocolaty Chip Frappuccino Blended Crème

Venti, 20 ounces — 520 calories

The Double Chocolaty Chip Frappuccino Blended Crème has 15 grams of saturated fat. Let’s bring that into perspective, shall we? You could line five shot glasses in a row on your kitchen counter, squeeze them full of Hellman’s mayonnaise, pound them back, and still be shy of the Double Chocolaty Chip Frappuccino Blended Crème’s saturated fat value. You’re welcome for that image, by the way.  

2. Mocha Cookie Crumble Frappuccino

Venti Iced, 24 ounces — 590 calories

This drink contains the same amount of sugar as two standard-sized juice boxes packed full of hot fudge, and is filled with more carbs than three servings of Stouffer’s mac and cheese.

1. Caramel Ribbon Crunch Frappuccino

Venti Iced, 24 ounces — 600 calories

In France, there is an obscure and now illegal gourmet tradition involving the ortolan, a small songbird. Traditionally, the bird is fattened in a darkened box, then drowned in Armagnac: before consuming this questionable treat, one is supposed to cover one’s face with a napkin before biting the little bird’s head off and pouring its hot fat directly down one’s throat. The reason for the napkin? Tradition holds that the cloth will best preserve the fowl’s fragrance, and also that one must hide oneself from God when devouring such an undeniable monstrosity.

In keeping with tradition, we recommend that you consider covering your head similarly before consuming the Caramel Ribbon Crunch Frappuccino. This beverage contains the same number of calories as the Bacon Mac and Cheese Bites at TGI Fridays.

For the same sugar equivalent as a Caramel Ribbon Crunch Frappuccino, you could eat a slice of apple cobbler stuffed with a half cup of rainbow sherbet, stacked on top of a piece of cherry pie, decked out with a slice of peanut butter fudge tart and an oatmeal cookie, then topped with a ½ cup scoop of butter pecan ice cream with a Rice Krispy treat crumbled on top — you know, for texture.