It's Not Just You: Talenti Gelato Is Notoriously Hard To Open
Talenti gelato is delicious — there's no doubt about that, but the way this stuff is packaged makes you feel like you're trying to unseal the Hope Diamond. If, like me, you've ever tried to open a jar of ultra creamy Talenti, you'll know what I'm talking about. We've all been there: After a long, tiresome day, you're desperate for a wee crumb of dopamine via a sugary indulgence; but instead of sweet reward chemicals, with Talenti's impregnable packaging, you're immediately defeated by a plastic lid and filled with frustration.
So, what are your options? Dynamite? Placing it under the wheel of your car? Fire? No. Not even a handy dandy bottle opener hack is going to do it. The truth of it is there isn't one tried-and-true way of opening Talenti gelato. Not that we're really complaining; Talenti makes a delicious frozen treat. But for the love of all that is holy, please, you guys — find another way of packing your gelato. It won't stay frozen after the apocalypse anyway.
Rage against the gelato machine
If you've never had gelato, or don't even know what it is, you may want to remedy that immediately. As far as store-bought varieties, Talenti is a great option; a little bougie, but a gelato that's oh so worth the high price. However, if you're not in possession of a pickaxe or hydraulic press, understand that you're going to struggle to get into the delicious Italian dessert. Some people online have suggested that running the jars under warm water will help loosen the lids, although there's very little evidence for this being more than aspirational thinking. If you happen to have gorilla grip strength and enough unresolved resentment in your life, you might just manage to break open that fiendish black twist-top lid.
Too tight lids are a complaint that the gelato company has been getting for years, and I do mean years. In 2017, Talenti reported that there was a mechanical error in their packaging machine that led to lids being screwed way too tightly, but they claim to have resolved this issue. Yet, gelato lovers all around the country are still resorting to screwdrivers and wrenches to get their Talenti fix.
Give it a whack
I always approach an impossible jar the way my Italian grandmother taught me — whack it. Just smack the lid of the jar against the kitchen counter until you feel satisfied that it's learned its lesson, or until you hear a little pop of air releasing from the jar. This works beautifully with pickles, but since gelato isn't sealed this way you'll probably resort to smacking the heck out of it just to feel something. In fact, the issue has spawned a veritable genre of YouTube how-to videos showcasing various methods of obdurate brute force that are supposed to do the trick. You'll have to try these techniques for yourself to see if they're actually effective on Talenti's apparently permanent seal.
I'm only going to say this once: Please don't use power tools to open your Talenti, because they're not food grade and run a risk of causing an embarrassing dessert-related injury. I truly wonder how many Talenti-induced medical emergencies occur annually — please don't become a statistic in the name of gelato. Also, serve your bowl of Talenti Pacific Coast Pistachio garnished with toasted slivered almonds, a dash of fruity Greek olive oil, and a pinch of Maldon sea salt flakes, and thank me later. Consider it a reward for gaining access to the stuff.