My Short Life As A Gluten-Free, Alcohol-Free Vegan

This morning I took an action that risked my life. I did it with forethought; even careful consideration. I took the action with enthusiasm and mounting excitement, literally salivating over the prospect. I ate two eggs. 

I felt this way the day after spending seven days on the Quantum Wellness Cleanse by Kathy Freston. After carefully consulting and practicing her messianic best seller for a week, I now know I will probably die as a result of the gluttonous excess I have practiced for, let's just say, about sixty years. In fact, after learning of the diseases and maladies caused directly or energized by the foods I have eaten all my life, I figure I am blessed by divine intervention into my inevitable fate.

I am so not a vegan. I decided to give a week to this quixotic cause for three reasons. First, my wife, daughter, and eldest granddaughter all did the full "21-day cleanse," and the outward results have been spectacular. They look great and claim to feel that way too. Thank you for that, Kathy. Part of me hoped that I would lose weight and become beautiful, but the realist in me simply wanted to do it as a gesture of support for a favorite wife I live and eat with. Second, I am a scientist at heart. I have done experiments with virtually every diet conceived since the days I gave up football pads; all without long-term success. Scientists never give up hope. Third, I promised to do another story for my friends at The Daily Meal and a week of veganism seemed like a hoot. (Not!)

For the last seven days I gave up what Kathy calls "The Big Five:" caffeine, alcohol, gluten, animal products, and sugar. Had I done it for the full 21 days, she promised I could expect "more energy, clearer skin and eyes, weight loss, cessation of certain aches, pains and digestive ailments, release from addictive habits, and a profound and deepened awareness of your personal power and the effect you have in the world." How cool would that be! I didn't believe it for a minute. Oh, I know if you give up all that stuff for 21 days you will lose weight. Hell, a ruby-throated thrush would lose weight eating like that for a week. I stepped on two different scales this morning and after seven days I showed a weight loss of 7-10 pounds. Sounds good right? Be skeptical. I have what my doctor refers to with studied political correctness as a "large body habitus." Weight rolls off me like rainwater, but one beer and it comes back.  At my size, on this diet, I could have a 10-pound gas bubble, so a few pounds at this stage of the game are not impressive.  But, let's give credit where due. Those inspirational females in my family have been on a variant of "the cleanse" for more than three months and have lost a lot of weight and kept it off so far. They positively glow. I'm still ugly and would chew my arm off if I had to face another 14 days of this food, let alone three months. I know why.

I hate the sheer culinary boredom of veganism. A few years ago I counseled a very good friend that he would kill himself if he kept smoking at the rate he did. He looked at me and said, "How do you want to die?" His response reminded me of a favorite quote from The Wind and the Lion starring Sean Connery. At the climactic moment of the movie, as he and a fellow soldier face almost certain death, Connery's character asks with a smile, "Is there not one thing in your life that is worth losing everything for?" I have often thought about those questions over the years, and I am proud to say in my life there are a couple of things, maybe even more, worth giving up everything for. 

One of them is food. I love food; the full panoply. I love vegetables and fruits and grains and beef and pork and chicken. I love eggs and cheese and fish and tofu and yogurt. I love artisanal whole-grain breads and artless white bread and cornbread and gluten-free bread (well, maybe not so much). I enjoy nuts and nut butters; herbs, peppers, and spices. I love olive oil and butter and lardo. (I choose to believe bacon is a panacea not yet discovered by the medical establishment.) I adore great wines, and I tolerate good wines with a critic's interest. I treasure excellent bourbon and other spirituous beverages except for Scotch which I only take in oatmeal. I enjoy stories of the people who grow and make foods: farmers, ranchers, dairymen, cheese makers, bakers, vintners and distillers. I think they are noblemen whose best work deserves our admiration and support. I love to cook food; almost any kind.

I am exhilarated by mixing ingredients together in splendid combinations. Often times my combinations are not splendid but the very act of cooking transports me to a place where my troubles are forgotten. I study ethnic roots of food and eat the results of my research with enthusiasm. I read cookbooks as entertainment. I travel and search, with pleasure, for individuals who have the gift of combining elements of food into exceptional cuisine; the great chefs of the world. I think of them the way I think of great composers or painters. I want to study their work, to understand it, to take it in.

Veganism is like asking Picasso to work only in charcoal. The product of vegan cooking can certainly be great, but the possibilities are so limited. I learned a lot in the last seven days. I certainly respect veganism and my vegan friends and family. I respect organic food more and understand it better. I am more sensitive to the way animals are raised and killed. I understand and support the concept of sustainability. I have learned more about grains, beans, soy, greens, and root vegetables. I have learned to coax flavors from unlikely ingredients. I have learned I have a lot to learn about making tolerable food without using Kathy's "Big 5." And, I know now that veganism will never be for me.   

For three consecutive summers in the '80s I had the good fortune to spend a few days with Julia Child eating, drinking, and talking food. That was another time when animal products were being eschewed (pun intended) by the dietary cognoscenti. Late one night, after far too many drinks, I questioned her frequent use of butter and heavy sauces. She said, "Oh piffle!  Enjoy your life, just eat everything in moderation." I'm trying Julia, I'm trying. 

Click here to see Fat Tommy's Curried Cauliflower recipe. 

Click here to see Fat Tommy's Three-Bean, Gluten-Free, Vegan Chili recipe.