Have you ever wanted to have a body like a Kardashian sister? Whether or not you’d actually admit it, you probably have. They have curves for days! And if you’ve ever wondered how they got that way, they’ll tell you it’s through diet and exercise (though most suspect that plastic surgery plays a significant role).
Also, Khloé has a chef who will prep her meals for her, but once again, I don’t have her money, so it was up to me to cook. Working full-time and coming home to cook is a goal I always have, but like many New Yorkers, it’s one I rarely achieve.
Meal 1: I’ve never been a breakfast person. Even as a kid, getting me to eat a bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch was a daily struggle for my dad. And Cinnamon Toast Crunch is delicious! So I’m not looking forward to having to get up early and make myself something for breakfast — especially something in which one of the main ingredients is ice. But I persist and make my smoothie. Because I’ve already totally busted my grocery budget and because I hate the taste and texture, I forgo the protein powder — so I have a “shake” of strawberries, almond butter, and ice. My husband thinks the sound of the blender in the morning is reminiscent of farts, and the taste of this shake is only slightly better than that.
Meal 2: An apple isn’t typically thought of as an entrée. But, for Khloé, it is a complete meal. My pomme of choice is a Golden Delicious. Granted, it is fairly delicious. But I’m hungry. Eating in the morning is supposed to help fuel your day, but this just makes me ravenous.
Meal 2.5: You know what Khloé doesn’t necessarily drink? Coffee. That is a big no-no in my book. I work an office job, and even the idea of forgoing coffee is exhausting. I do some journalistic research (i.e., “Google it”), and find that, in a former diet plan, Khloé did indulge in a cup of black coffee every morning. I think this means I didn’t even make it five hours on the #KhloeDiet, but I’m allowing myself this small indulgence.
I never said I was a role model.
Meal 3: I heard that Khloé will eat a Chinese chicken salad for lunch, and lucky for me, that’s one of my favorite lunches too! I find a low-calorie ginger sesame salad dressing at the store and pour it on top of my salad. It tastes surprisingly good! The texture of raw spinach always makes my teeth feel weird, but it’s a small price to pay for a #revengebody.
Meal 4: Now I face the true test: the infamous cup of celery and 12 almonds. It’s so depressing, and I am so excited to eat it because it is awful. The celery is fine, but it tastes weirdly bitter in a way that makes me think I don’t know how to properly wash my vegetables. The almonds, on the other hand, are the first things that have made me feel mildly satiated all day.
Meal 5: More fresh vegetables. Since I was chopping up a bell pepper for my salad the night before, I cut some extra slices for my fifth meal. I am not going to stomach raw tomatoes. Raw tomatoes are gross, and bell peppers have tons of vitamins, too, so it balances out (in my mind). I’m also a little sad because I forgot to shock my hard-boiled eggs when I made them, so they’re a little gray. I swear I know how to make perfect hard-boiled eggs. I’m only human, though, and I messed up.
Meal 6: I arrive home from work tired and hungry. Normally, I would order some takeout pizza on a long Monday like this one, but I channel the strength of Khloé after her divorce from Lamar and cook a meal. Despite the blistering NYC heat, I bake a salmon steak in the oven and sauté asparagus. I deviate a bit from Kardashian’s dairy-free lifestyle and use some butter in my dinner. (I’m counting only about 900 calories for the day, which is dangerously low. I have to pad it with some lovely fats, so I go with a classic.) I pair it with another Asian salad.
Meal 7: Dinner keeps me full for like 45 minutes, but then I am famished again. It’s 9 p.m. and I cut up a mango as my final meal. It’s the fruit of my choice! It tastes alright, but doesn’t do nearly enough to cut my hunger. I’m tired, and it’s easiest to just go to bed at this point.