Just as those who live in glass houses shouldn’t be in the habit of tossing a bunch of stones around, those who tend to knock back a few drinks on a regular basis shouldn’t be overly judgmental of other people’s tipsy missteps. That said, while our occasional overindulgences have led to a couple of poor life choices in the past (badminton should never be that competitive), hopefully none are remotely as bad — or downright illegal — as any on this list.
If you’ve ever gotten tipsy, you know that there’s a scale of drunkenness, and it’s only towards the bottom end of the scale that you might be likely to end up getting into trouble with the po-po.
After one drink, you just start to feel your muscles unclench a little bit. You’re a touch more relaxed, you’re enjoying the taste of your favorite adult beverage, you’re maybe even letting yourself discuss the notes of stone fruits in the nose and subjecting your friends to eye-roll-inducing terms like terroir. This is a good place to be, and in terms of health benefits, this is really where you’re supposed to stop altogether. But of course, our nights (and sometimes post-brunch days) don’t always go that way.
Two drinks in, you become a sparkling, brilliant conversationalist. The words flow trippingly off your tongue, and you are way, way funnier than you are sober. Or at least you are significantly under that impression. Everything is a little shinier, and the world has a glittery aura.
Three drinks can be the tipping point for the light-of-weight. It’s the dull-you-down moment, and also often the moment when more drinks seems to make more sense than it did after only one.
Four drinks in a reasonably short period of time can lend you very strong, very serious opinions about politics. No, not just politics! About life! You have opinions about life and everyone should hear them. Your friends are so great that they have to be told how great they are, repeatedly, loudly, and your enemies (or just a dude across the bar who maybe glanced your way) become very, very bad, and should be dealt with immediately.
And so it is that after your fifth, the prospect of having to explain, “I’m not drinks, Ossifer! The lamp-post started it!” becomes much more likely than it had just a few short hours (and brain cells) before.
A Drunk Man, A Pug, and Their Horse
If someone doesn’t turn this man’s story into a made-for-TV movie, we’re going to just quit believing in love and happiness entirely. This inebriated cowboy got stopped partway through his quest to ride 600 miles on horseback with nothing but his pug and a jug of booze for company.
While the man was also accused of animal cruelty, which is never funny, it seems that these charges may have been false, and that he was simply trying to drunkenly ride across the country in order to attend a wedding.
"I got me a good horse," the gentleman is reported to have said. "I can get anywhere I need to go."
Truer words, friend.
Drunken Man Allegedly Steals Cakes From “Cake Boss”
Pause for a moment, dear readers, and refrain from judging this man too quickly. Imagine: you’re usually a fairly law-abiding citizen, but you’re tipsy, and the world looks shiny and seems to be swimming before you. Ok, you’re more than tipsy, you’re a little drunk.
You’re a little drunk and you see cake, so much cake, all the cake, fields of cake, and not only that, but it’s free! Free cake. All of the free cake. 10,000 free cakes, to be precise, and they’re all made by the Cake Boss himself, and you just love the Cake Boss. Is it stealing to just help yourself to a few of these free cakes from the storage area rather than waiting in line with the rest of Pittsburgh for a cake? Is this illegal or is it merely clever? The cake is free, after all. You are just circumventing the cake-line. The drunk logic here is tight as a drum.
Yeah, it was, technically, illegal. Still, though. We feel you, Cake Thief. There but for the dearth of free cakes in New York go we.