Starbucks Phases Out Coffee

Stock up on your Via now

"The big money in this game," says chain CEO Howard Schultz, "is in soy milk and pumpkin flavoring. Oh, and CDs by all those women who used to play at Lilith Fair. It's far too much trouble to source and ship and roast coffee, and all that Fair Trade business is just one big pain in the Tazo Chai Frappuccino, if you know what I mean. Anyway, frankly our coffee has never been very good anyway."

When asked if he expected regular Starbucks customers to protest the impending disappearance of coffee from the company's 852,492 stores worldwide, Schultz guffaws.

"Those layabouts?" he scoffs. "They wouldn't even get up from their laptops if they'd didn't have to pee every few hours." Speaking of laptops, Schultz denies rumors that he is also planning to do away with tables and chairs at the chain.