Nina In New York: Your Excessive Dependence On Caffeine Is Not A Problem, It's Your Genetic Destiny

A lighthearted look at news, events, culture and everyday life in New York. The opinions expressed are solely those of the writer.
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By Nina Pajak

Finally, a scientific study we can actually use!

Researchers from Harvard School of Public Health and Brigham and Women's Hospital in Boston have discovered that a person's genetics may contribute to how much coffee he or she drinks. That's right! Your desire to drink a soup bowl full of joe before you can engage in basic human interaction may have more to do with your DNA than with your perceived dependency. Win!

According to Medical News Today, the study identifies two gene variants that have to do with caffeine metabolism, two that correspond to "the rewarding effect of caffeine," and two that are linked to "the metabolic and neurological" effects.

In other words, one person's experience with caffeine can be quite different from another's, leading that person to either drink more or less. If your body metabolizes it slowly and your "rewarding effect" is rather low, you might feel satisfied with a reasonably sized, single cup without feeling the need for a refill. As opposed to, say, someone who drinks a giant mug, feels like she can touch the sky and paint a house and cook a banquet, then thirty minutes later needs to take a nap. I don't know who that person might be, as she is purely hypothetical and clearly highly dysfunctional, perhaps unstable. All I can say is that it's a good thing she discovered coffee before she might have discovered drugs, because I could see that going south fast.

Coffee, as we all know, is very good for us. It's been linked to lower incidence of diseases like Parkinson's and type 2 diabetes. Additionally, it's very bad for us. It can lead to cardiovascular problems and was once thought to be a contributing factor to cancer, but then again all of that is probably untrue. Unless it isn't, in which case it's terrible. And also most likely totally fine.

In summation, I'm glad there are people out there choosing to study coffee instead of something less applicable to the lives of millions of people. Like this study, which comes to the astounding conclusion that men like to have sex with younger women, and men of all ages are sexually attracted to 20-somethings. Thank you for your contributions to society. Only heaven knows how far we can go with this new knowledge.

Nina Pajak is a writer living with her husband, daughter and dog in Queens. Connect with Nina on Twitter!