Nina In New York: Please, Build Us A Breast Pump That Doesn't Suck

A lighthearted look at news, events, culture and everyday life in New York. The opinions expressed are solely those of the writer.
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By Nina Pajak

Last weekend, MIT hosted a "Make the Breast Pump Not Suck" Hackathon in which participants worked on the lofty and much-overlooked goal of building a better breast pump. You know, because breast pumps suck. It's all there in the title. I suppose this sort of story will naturally get buried under more pressing international and domestic concerns. And even beyond those, it's less sexy than, say, an item about a restaurant in China that laces its noodles with opium to keep customers coming back (it's delicious because it's drugs!). But these hackathoners are doing god's work, I tell you.

I guess it's sort of an icky thing to talk about. When I was working and pumping, I felt constant embarrassment. I had to sequester myself in my office three to four times a day, take my shirt off, hunch over and turn on music to mask the loud, rhythmic whirring of the machine, constantly worrying that someone would enter without knocking. I had to wear a bra that allowed me to pump hands-free and made me look like some sort of creepy industrial dairy cow. I had to tote a hideous and extremely heavy backpack on the subway, and was constantly smacking into strangers with a cooler full of my breast milk. Needless to say, this is an unpleasant thing. I had to wash the dozens of tiny parts in the bathroom sink, shuttling the pieces between my office and the ladies' room in a discreet shopping bag, probably spurring rumors that I was chain-binge eating on the toilet. Several times, I'd lose a little rubber doohickey the size of a dime and would be unable to pump for the rest of the day, leaving me uncomfortable and at a major milk deficit. And when it was all over, I was able to produce about half of what my daughter's daily needs required. Quitting my job to stay home was a complicated decision based on a great many factors, but I'd be lying if I said nursing wasn't one of them.

In short, I cannot find words adequate to express my absolute hatred for my pump. The day I tossed that sucker into the back of the hall closet was one of the happiest of my life. And though I am sure my second child will bring me infinite joy, I shudder at the thought of having to resurrect the evil machine.

The public health programs in this country have fully committed to pushing the breast milk agenda. The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends giving a child breast milk for the entire first year of life. There are free lactation consultants available to new moms in hospitals. Breast pumps are now fully covered under Obamacare. Women everywhere are super mean and self-righteous about it. Let's, for a moment, forget about the related "nursing in public" debate and the issue of lengthening maternal leave, which are problems way too hairy and complex to tackle here. This, on the other hand, is so simple: why are we still using a breast pump design that's scarily similar to the first, 19th century prototypes?

Because men, probably. Stupid men, with their breast pumps and their infant-making sperm. They're trouble with a capital T and that rhymes with B and that stands for Boobs. Also babies, bottles and bah. Bah humbug.

The two-day hackathon's winning design is a Batman-inspired utility belt called the "Mighty Mom," which can apparently operate discreetly underneath clothing, so that a nursing mother can even pump while on the subway. I find this concept indescribably disturbing, but I suppose a woman's got to do what a woman's got to do, and I applaud their efforts to make it all possible. The Mighty Mom team was given $3,000 and a trip to Silicon Valley to pitch their product to investors. I look forward to seeing what they ultimately create, and hope that it sees store shelves soon. Otherwise, you may one day see a Medela pump sailing through the air from some office window twenty floors up.

Nina Pajak is a writer living with her husband, daughter and dog in Queens. Connect with Nina on Twitter!