Nina In New York: Mommy Shaming? Nah, I'm Good.
A lighthearted look at news, events, culture and everyday life in New York. The opinions expressed are solely those of the writer.
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By Nina Pajak
Recently, I read a piece on CBS New York about the newly-rebranded concept of "mommy shaming." You might know it better as "judgmental parents" or "obnoxious mother-in-law." However you term it, parents —- and mothers, in particular — have been dispensing unsolicited advice and doling out condescending eyebrow raises since time immemorial. Now, however, shamers have proliferated online. People are being attacked on their personal profile pages and subjected to Facebook friends' public diatribes on the "right" and "wrong" way to do things. Or they're receiving passive aggressive emails in the form of forwarded articles and op-eds, which is a far easier way to tell someone how to parent than to do it face to face.
Yes, friends, it's all part of the beautiful social landscape to which the Internet superhighway has connected us. (I award myself ten points for using the Internet superhighway in a metaphor, and now I deduct twenty points for use of the term "Internet superhighway" without irony.)
Perhaps I've been blessed with some easy going, respectful online friends. Or perhaps I've been blessed with total inattention to what others are posting if it's not a baby photo, wedding album, or funny animal video. Either way, this new idea of "mommy shaming" struck me as completely insane. Who would air their aggressive opinions to tenuous acquaintances in a public forum? Who would be so dogmatic as to actually criticize a person online? Or for that matter, in the flesh? I've spent time around other moms in my neighborhood, and never have I heard someone step over the line. It's not like I don't have strong opinions about certain issues myself, but most potentially offensive conversations I've had with other women have been reserved for moments when we know we are not in mixed company, so to speak.
As it turns out, I'm just completely blind and deaf. I ran this thought by some other mothers in the park recently and I got a unanimous eye roll and exasperated scoff.
"Ugh, it used to bother me with my first child, but I just let it roll off my back now," said one.
"Oh yeah, it's everywhere. It's constant. You have to ignore it," said another.
I was shocked, and immediately began to wonder whether I'd been the target of mommy shaming without realizing it. I'm not normally such a rube, but in the mommy game, I admit that I often still feel like I'm still dusting off my pants after a rough fall off the turnip truck.
Do you know how once you become aware of something, it suddenly feels as though you see it everywhere? Just after having had this eye-opening conversation, I witnessed an episode firsthand. I was walking through the supermarket, baby in the cart. A pregnant woman was heading towards us pushing a toddler in a little plastic car. The child was sitting forward, happily chomping on a toothpick. An older woman ahead of me saw this, tapped the mother and alerted her to the fact that her daughter was probably going to choke to death at any moment now. The mom got flustered, stammered something to the effect that she was aware of her child's activities, and moved along.
As I was processing this, the older woman then turned to me and shrugged meaningfully, eyes wide.
"I thought she'd like to know her kid had a toothpick! I'd never let my baby have a toothpick. All she needs is to start choking, it could happen any time!"
I smiled politely and made a noncommittal gesture to convey that I was neither going to be her ally nor her enemy on this one.
She threw her hands up. "I'm of the old school," she said proudly, and walked away.
Who was right? Not the mother allowing her daughter to chew on a wooden toothpick, necessarily. Of course it's a choking hazard and not a good toy for a little kid. But I know what it's like to have to appease a toddler just long enough to complete a simple errand. I will throw the contents of my bag or of an entire supermarket shelf at my daughter just to get her to stop screaming so I can purchase the food necessary to feed her for the week. I've given her headphones and makeup and jewelry and pens and expensive electronics and important documents. On one particularly harrowing trip, she ate through a layer of cellophane and began gnawing on a raw ear of corn in a package I'd knowingly handed her. I'll admit that in the past, I still probably would have simply agreed with the older woman. But after having been made aware of this (not at all secret) culture of mothers shaming other mothers for the generally well-intentioned choices they make, I couldn't bring myself to give her the moral victory. There's being helpful, and there's being a yenta. I know the difference, and so did she.
Now, of course, I feel completely paranoid and self-conscious as I go about my day as a mom. Am I being judged now? How about now? Did I just say something that someone else might construe as judgmental? Did I just misinterpret what another mother said to me? What exactly did she mean when she said she never gives her kid hot dogs? What did she mean?!
This is no way to live. It's hard enough to navigate being a first time parent and entering the world of mom friends and play dates without the constant threat of judgment looming overhead. I prefer to return to my state of willful ignorance, or I'm pretty sure my baby and I will have to be each other's only friends. And nobody needs that weirdness. So judge away, ladies. La la la, I can't hear you.
Nina Pajak is a writer living with her husband, daughter and dog in Queens. Connect with Nina on Twitter!
