Nina In New York: The Five Worst Foods In America
A lighthearted look at news, events, culture and everyday life in New York. The opinions expressed are solely those of the writer.
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By Nina Pajak
Today is Friday, and it's been a scary week/year, so let's talk about food.
I love food. I love great food prepared by world-renowned chefs using rare and delectable ingredients. Similarly, I love horrible food prepared by greasy fry-cooks using vats of cheese and butter and hydrogenated oils. I love artisanal gelato that tastes like perfume and I love DQ cookie dough Blizzards. There is enough room in this country and in our countrymen's bellies for both, and I appreciate that. This is America, after all. We're the land of the free and the home of the brave. We can dip anything in anything and deep fry it and call it "homestyle." We can fill anything with cheese if we put our minds to it! We can replace pretty much anything with meat, including the insides of other meat! We treat a bowl of spaghetti like a side dish, and dessert like another dinner. It's cool. This is us. We own it. We do it well.
But then there are some chain food institutions which take our god-given right to eating like crazed stoners all the time and make a mockery of it. They stretch the limits of our culinary and coronary bravery to the breaking point and . . . well, they break them. And I won't stand for it. It's an embarrassment, and it's an abuse of power, and also it's just really super gross. And moreover, it's condescending. There are some fast food menu items that are simply an affront to humanity, and in my opinion, the corporations behind them are openly smirking at the idea that some dumb, fat idiot is bound to want to eat whatever garbage they throw up on the board. It's not just about calories—it's the thought that counts here. So without further ado or grandstanding, here is my list of the five worst meals in America.
5. The KFC Double Down sandwich will always rank among my favorite disgusting fast food offerings. It's not a regular menu item, but rather a special treat that's available for limited time runs every so often. In brief: it's a bun-less sandwich in which two breaded chicken breasts hold together melted cheese, bacon and sauce. I love it because of how beautifully it blends the mercenary with the hilarious. It's a cholesterol-bomb with a sense of humor. It is not Atkins-approved.
4. Taco Bell's Doritos Cheesy Gordita Crunch Nacho Cheese. Or is it the Doritos Crunchy Gordita Cheesy Nacho Cheese? Or the Crunchy Doritos Nacho Cheese Cheesy Gordita? Seriously, guys. Do you even know what this is? Do these words mean anything to you anymore? Or do you basically play a game of magnetic poetry Mad Libs every time you create a new menu item?
3. Domino's "Specialty Chicken — Spicy Jalepeno – Pineapple." It's sort of like the KFC Double Down, except instead of replacing a bun with chicken, they've replaced pizza crust with chicken, and instead of using pizza sauce and other pizza-like items, they've just smothered the whole thing in a messa flavas. I like Domino's new self-effacing advertising strategy, and it sort of feels unfair to mock them when they're doing such a good job of it themselves. But then at the same time, someone must be held accountable for this.
2. Wendy's Pulled Pork Cheeseburger. For now, I will ignore the fact that Wendy's also serves a triple cheeseburger which they insist on calling "Hot 'N Juicy." This new, limited-time offer of a cheeseburger topped with a mound of pulled pork and cole slaw and BBQ sauce is trouble enough on its own, and this list isn't just about decadence. I can think of better ways to ruin a good pulled pork sandwich, but shoving a greasy burger and a slice of cheddar cheese underneath has to be in the top three. This can only lead to the logical conclusion that without the cheeseburger, it wouldn't be a good pulled pork sandwich that they're cooking up. I'm just wondering why they couldn't see their way to adding a few slices of bacon. I guess everyone has a stopping point.
1. The inspiration for today's diatribe, and the most repulsive and inane concept I can find right now is the Little Caesar's "Soft Pretzel Crust Pizza." Here is the website's description: "Little Caesars new Soft Pretzel Crust Pepperoni Pizza . . . starts with a flavorful, buttery, soft pretzel crust made fresh daily in store. It is topped with creamy cheddar cheese sauce, a blend of 100% real cheese, and pepperoni, and then finished with an irresistible four-cheese gourmet blend of Asiago, Fontina, Parmesan, and White Cheddar cheeses." Which of these things is not like the other? Oh, only ALL OF THEM. Who asked for these ingredients to be incorporated into this format, Dr. Moreau? Nothing about this pizza makes any logical sense at all, starting with the fact that it's being marketed as a pizza. Cheddar cheese is not pizza sauce. Soft pretzel is not pizza crust. Throwing three italian cheeses into the "gourmet blend" does not a pizza make. This is a crime against pizza, and therefore a crime against nature and all that is good in this world. Not to overstate it or anything.
Honorable mentions: Blueberry bagels, which we've probably needed to talk about for a while now; any "pizza" made of fruit, chocolate, or sushi; these weird Doritos bites from 7-11 which we need to keep discussing until they go away; anything on the Taco Bell breakfast menu; the White Castle briefcase full of burgers, the thought of which never fails to brighten my mood.
Nina Pajak is a writer living with her husband, daughter and dog in Queens. Connect with Nina on Twitter!
