To one North Carolina couple, apparently, nothing says “Happy birthday, America!” quite like a pizza roll fight.
As reported by Fox News, Samantha Canipe and Brad Beard were at home on July 4th, having what might have been a reasonable discussion. No one knows how it escalated, but at 1:30 a.m. Gastonia police entered their home to find pizza rolls flying. Perhaps the house looked like a stereotypical cafeteria food-fight, perhaps not. One can always hope.
The police report did not mention how many rolls were thrown, nor what brand they were. However, both Beard and Canipe were charged with one count each of misdemeanor simple assault and were released on a $2,500 bond. Beard faces up to 60 days in jail, while Canipe faces up to 30 days.
If you think that this whole story is ridiculous, you’re not alone: the online comments section for the story is ablaze with verbal shots fired at the couple, Gastonia police, and (since this is Fox News) Hillary Clinton. After one user questioned why the police did not charge them with domestic violence, someone quipped, “because the FBI found that no reasonable attorney would bring charges.”
Another user satirized the undue media coverage, predicting that “the police will announce soon that these were the leaders of a multi state pizza roll theft ring, and the rest of the crime family is being investigated. TMZ is reporting that all major networks are in contract discussions for a tell all movie deal. This is the biggest story of the year to put on a national news website.”