An Exclusive Look At Jamie Oliver's Amazing New Line Of School Snacks

Socially conscious, formerly naked British superchef and TV personality Jamie Oliver hasn't had much luck convincing American school systems to revise their lunch menus, substituting good, fresh food for the usual school-cafeteria slop. But he did recently announce that John Deasy, newly appointed superintendent of the Los Angeles Unified School District, has agreed — at his behest — to ban high-sugar chocolate and strawberry milk from district lunchrooms.

Encouraged by this tentative success, Oliver has been quietly working on a line of calorically — and morally — acceptable school snacks, to be offered to educational facilities all over America under his new Eat What We Tell You label. The Daily Meal has obtained an exclusive first look at the initial offerings.

Bitter Chocolate Water No sugar, no dairy, just heart-healthy 100% cacao artfully blended with pure spring H2O.

Virtual M&Ms Using sophisticated spherification technology, organic skim milk is magically turned into crispy, hollow spheres brightly colored with locally sourced vegetable dyes.

Baked Fiber Snacks Non-fat, gluten-free wood pulp is pulverized, then reformed into tasty triangles, dusted with chia-flavored protein powder, and baked in pollution-free wood-burning ovens.

Lawn Chaws To make these sustainable treats, hand-mown hypoallergenic grass cuttings are puréed, air-dried, extruded through mercury-free molds, and formed into mini-pretzels. Those big "salt crystals" they're covered with? Just flakes of tangy citric acid.

Surprise Bags The ultimate low-fat, low-calorie, environmentally friendly treat, these small containers of microfiltered air, delicately perfumed with the scent of tofu, disintegrate into biodegradable nano-particles when opened, pleasing the olfactory senses while having absolutely no impact at all on the real world.