What Is Fight Milk and Who Drinks It?

'I drink it every morning so I can fight like a crow’
always sunny in philadelphia fight milk

'Watch your profits soar high as a crow!'

“What up? Are you ready for the best idea ever?” This is how Mac and Charlie open up one of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia’s many epically produced (and by epically produced we mean hilariously horrendous) homemade videos.

The gang is known for making tight-budgeted, humorously cut home-movies that can vary in size and scope from small-scale feature films like Lethal Weapon 5 and 6 to short commercials including Kitten Mittons [sic], the magic berries of Invigaron (“Where do I put my feet?”), and the dyslexic campaign speech that Charlie eloquently wrote for Dennis. They also function on a steady diet of booze, cat food, trash, and other grotesquely exotic “dishes” that neither you nor we would ever consider edible. This time, they’ve paired their unique tastes with their passion for homemade films to create a stunning infomercial trying to get rich people to invest in a boozy protein drink called Fight Milk.

“The first alcoholic, dairy-based protein drink for bodyguards by bodyguards,” Fight Milk is comprised of an absolutely absurd list of ingredients. A crow’s egg, milk, and clear booze that’s unidentified (but seems to be vodka) are all combined in a giant vat and stirred together. Then, the potent combination is put into a gallon jug upon which one of the gang’s questionably shaped bicep flyers has been pasted on. Charlie swears that Fight Milk is made fresh, but we want to know (whether it’s fresh or not) who in their right mind would ever drink such a vile concoction? We’ll approach this topic under the assumption that Fight Milk is similar to a protein shake. Further, we’re dying to know if you can actually eat (or, in this case, drink) a crow’s egg.

Booze and dairy have been paired together before (The Dude certainly abides by his White Russians), but neither a bodyguard, as Sunny suggests, nor any other person exercising should consider a vodka, coffee liqueur, and cream a healthy pre-workout drink. Any energy that comes from drinking a White Russian (or five) is probably booze-energy, and booze-energy usually leads to unwise decisions (and probably a hangover). On the other hand, plain old chocolate milk has been shown to be a great post-workout drink, but the gang’s tastes are clearly much more complex. None of this is news to you, though; anyone who knows anything about booze and fitness is well aware that chocolate milk is great post-workout and they also know that wine and exercise are a much better combo than anything we’ve discussed so far.

That leaves us with the third, final, and most uniquely Charlie-inspired ingredient: the crow’s egg. (Charlie, the self-proclaimed best damn bird lawyer in the world, is uniquely invested in all things having to do with winged creatures.) A quick Google search of “are crow’s eggs edible?” led us to a fascinating website called crowbusters.com where we discovered that there are people who consider themselves crow hunters. Crowbusters.com is an online gathering place for crow hunters and, while perusing the various tabs on the page, we discovered a long list of crow-based recipes on the site. It turns out that, in addition to the eggs, crow meat itself can be used in casseroles and for kabobs as well.

In summation, yes: Crow’s eggs are indeed edible, but who in his or her right mind would look to something like Fight Milk for fuel before exercising? Certainly no one sensible would consider this a healthy drink, and, as the episode shows, no one wanted to invest in it either. If you want to see a beer specifically designed to be enjoyed post-workout, we’ve got you covered. We’d love to hear from anyone who has made Fight Milk, though. Naught but the most hardcore of hardcore Sunny fans will have attempted to put down a jug or two of this (probably dangerous) drink. If you have, though, we’re dying to know: Did it help you to fight like a crow?

Check out the full Fight Milk infomercial here.

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