Genius Steals Hand Sanitizer to Make World’s Worst Cocktails
In the bustling metropolis of Altoona, Pa. — which is not located in a dry county, for the record — brilliant mixologist Lee Ammerman was allegedly busted in the process of procuring a key ingredient in what is arguably the world’s nastiest-ever cocktail: hand sanitizer Screwdrivers.
The Altoona Mirror reports that Ammerman has allegedly stolen 12 bottles of hand sanitizer over the course of the past few months from a local hospital, but it appears that although UPMC Altoona hospital employees witnessed Ammerman returning to the scene of the crime repeatedly, he was only caught after a man who seems to match Ammerman’s description was found shadily slipping bottles of hand sanitizer into an arm sling.
While "discovered plundering hand sanitizer from a local medical facility" should constitute a low in anyone’s life, worse yet is that the accused does not appear to suffer from a crippling case of obsessive-compulsive disorder, rather he uses the alcohol-based sanitizer as a base for cocktails.
When questioned by police, Ammerman acknowledged, "I mix the liquid with orange juice," confirming that anyone who has ever made a "faux-mosa" with André or a semi-valid Screwdriver with Sunny Delight should no longer ever regret their drinking decisions. While it is thoroughly understandable that a man may not always be in the position to pay for his drinks, what is not particularly fathomable in this particular instance is Ammerman’s apparent willingness to purchase the mixer involved in his mixed drink of choice, just not requisite spirits. Given that the nearest liquor store is a scant half mile from the hospital, this story really begs the question: why not simply shoplift liquor?
More importantly, what should we entitle this newfangled cocktail? Current staff concepts include:
The Night Terrors
Include yours in the comments section.