Frosted Flakes-Eating Monkey Attacks Owner

A California woman who thought it was a good idea to keep a full-grown macaque monkey on a diet of Frosted Flakes and fruit juice is probably wishing she'd adopted a guinea pig, after her sugar-addled primate friend attacked her last week and bit her several times on her arms and fingers.

The monkey was not a legal pet, and the hospital reported the incident to animal services, according to the LA Times.

"This kind of animal is never meant to be kept domestically. It is illegal," said Animal Services manager Eric Anderson. "It lived on a diet including Frosted Flakes and juice. We strongly discourage the keeping of any such animal."

"And that is entirely the wrong kind of diet," he added, because the diet of Frosted Flakes really is the most bewildering part of the story. If you'd be nervous feeding something to a particularly energetic child, it's probably not a good diet for a wild animal with giant razor teeth.

The monkey is being quarantined at a conservation group that handles rescued wild animals people were trying to keep as pets. The owner faces charges for unlawful possession of a monkey.

Owning a monkey is a big responsibility. You have to know how to take care of it, feed it, train it, and spend a lot of time planning what exactly you're going to say to the media when it inevitably goes south and they ask why you thought it was a good idea to keep an illegal monkey as a pet.