We're only six weeks away from the 2016 presidential election, and the media is anxiously awaiting the coming debates between candidates Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump. However, oddly, all the major new outlets have somehow neglected to report on the very first debate that took place last night.
Contrary to the usual format, this wasn't just a war of words but a clash of cuisine. You see, the first debate held between Clinton and Trump was a food fight.
Held on the campus of the Culinary Institute of America (CIA) in Hyde Park, New York, the moderator was selected as Guy Fieri, because having only two people on stage that Americans hate clearly wasn't enough. As for the debate’s structure, it loosely followed that of the other coming debates, with the major difference being that no actual questions were asked. Instead, candidates would address a supposed flaw in their opponent's platform and hurl a related food item accordingly. Fieri was only there to keep order.
To open, each candidate was given two minutes to make opening remarks. However, both Clinton and Trump spent their entire allotment of time thanking Fieri for moderating, the audience for attending, and the Culinary Institute of America for hosting. However, based on Trump's repeated use of the word "agents," we're assuming he was likely confused about which CIA he was actually speaking at.
Here are some highlights:
When it was time to battle, Hillary was given the first opportunity, but Trump interrupted her right away, muttering something about "ladies first" being sexist and promising to put a stop to all the inequality between men and women.
"I'm sick and tired of hearing all this insensitive and insulting language about women," Trump said. "With the exception of NFL football players, everyone knows that women shouldn't be physically attacked — but not enough is being done about the verbal attacks."
"Women have put up with way too much already," Trump added. "Especially the fat and ugly ones."
The smattering of audience cheers quickly turn into a loud chorus of boos.
"Even when you try to be nice, you just end up getting burned," Hillary shouted while tossing the contents of a bottle of Sriracha at her opponent. However, against Trump's orange-tinted skin, it was barely noticeable.
"Who makes this stuff?" Trump exclaimed. "I'll have their people deported immediately."
The boos grew louder from there, until Trump eventually hurled a Mexican-looking dish at Clinton, clearly trying to backpedal and pick up points with any immigrants in attendance.
"I love Hispanics," he said. "Who else could make such a delicious Crunchwrap Supreme?"
The boos continued.
"You, more than anyone, could benefit from having ‘taco trucks on every corner,’" Clinton countered. "But without the minority vote, you'll never be the big cheese," she added, throwing a huge block of hard Parmesan at Trump, hitting him square in the nose.
"Throwing a whole block? That's too much. It shouldn’t be allowed," Trump fumed, slamming down a cheese grater he was storing under his podium. "Make America grate again!"
This was clearly a turning point. With the Republican nominee on the ropes (which is not a nod to his oft-forgotten past appearances with World Wrestling Entertainment), Clinton looked poised for victory, but a coughing fit struck her at the worst possible moment.
"Looks like you could use some vitamin C," Trump cracked, forcefully winging an orange at Clinton's podium. It smacked against the side and exploded, spraying juice and pulp all over the former secretary of state.
"You're messing with the wrong person," Clinton said in response to the attack. "I've got so much food stockpiled back here that I could start my own food bank."
"Well, we all know you secretly love big banks," Trump quipped, which received applause from a small section of audience members holding Bernie Sanders signs.
"You're one to talk," Clinton shot back. "We all know of your love affair with McDonalds and other fast food."
With that, Clinton lobbed a large McDonald's milkshake toward Trump. He attempted to duck behind his podium, but the cup landed squarely on top, the lid flew off, and Trump became drenched in chocolate goodness.
"You're gonna need a bigger wall than that, Donald," Clinton added. Trump retorted that he would have preferred vanilla, but Clinton reminded him that "chocolate shakes matter."
“Well, for my closing remark, how about a taste of a drink you hate?” Trump asked, throwing a pumpkin spice latte at Clinton. Luckily, the boiling beverage slipped out of his grasp and missed, likely due to the fact that Trump’s stubby fingers couldn’t properly grip the venti-sized cup.
“A hot beverage? There’s no way that’s allowed!” an enraged Clinton yelled in a tone that critics have famously referred to as “shrill.”
Trump calmly stated that it’s in the rules. “Or did you lose that email too?” he asked.
Clinton, for her own closing statement, had one last barb: “You know, for a rich guy like yourself, I’m surprised you don’t like dough,” she said, hurling an enormous ball of pizza dough that was so large it toppled Trump’s podium on top of him. Most of the audience erupted at this point.
Clinton soaked in her moment of victory, waving to the crowd happily as she walked offstage. However, she failed to see a perfectly placed banana peel right by the stage’s exit and completely wiped out while still in view of the stunned audience.
Emerging from somewhere out of sight, two figures appeared: Libertarian nominee Gary Johnson and Green party nominee Jill Stein. “If the Republican- and Democrat-run Commission on Presidential Debates wants to unfairly keep us out of their events, we’ll find a way in ourselves,” said Johnson, who is currently polling in double digits.
“After all, we’ve clearly got the chops… just not pork chops,” Stein, a vegetarian, said in closing.
The two high-fived, and the crowd departed, quite confused. And hungry.