The Funniest Yelp Reviews of Chain Restaurants

Hey, it’s good to have a sense of humor
Olive Garden

The Funniest Yelp Reviews of Chain Restaurants

Chipotle

When it comes to dining at chain restaurants, you pretty much know what you’re going to get. If a friend suggests a visit to your local Applebee’s, even if you’ve never been there before, you probably have a good idea of the décor, menu, and service, simply because, well, it’s an Applebee’s. For this reason, there’s not much of a reason to read Yelp reviews of major chain restaurants — but people still feel compelled to write them. We tracked down some of the most hilarious ones written about America’s biggest sit-down chains. 

Applebee’s

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“If you're a vegetarian, there are just some places you shouldn't go to. Sausage factory. Pig roast. Republican National Convention. And Applebee's.

I've been in Applebeeses before, but they at least tried to have something vaguely edible on the menu, this one had the craziest foods: Caribbean pasta, Thai noodles, WHAT? I ordered a soup and salad and then had to send it back because the salad had BACON on it. IS NOTHING SACRED? It wasn't even a *hint* of bacon, the bacon had solidly proliferated the salad.

Unless you're going for cocktails and appetizers, don't try to actually eat anything at this Applebee's. Try Chuck E. Cheese upstairs. They may have a cheese pizza option for vegetarians. They just might.” — Meghan Sara K, Brooklyn

Chili’s

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“Oh hell no. This place is a disaster. We came for happy hour but then decided to sit at a table, which was probably the worst idea of my life. Our appetizer came out AFTER the food, and it wasn't even right. Then, in the middle of my already unclassy meal, I witnessed a drug deal right behind me. I love Inglewood.” — Kalin M., Los Angeles

Chipotle

Chipotle

“I feel like this review is more than a little pointless (are people really interested in opinions about the Chipotle on Broadway?) but I also think that Chipotle itself is pointless...so...double jeopardy. Or something.

I don't get it. Its not Mexican food, its not fancy food, its just...just...I don't get it. It never tastes as good as I want it to, and it bothers me that everyone else seems to like it except for me. Why? What do I not understand? The chips are too salty and the guac is too oniony. The only thing I like is their black beans, and I can make black beans. One extra point for having Barq's root beer in their fountain thingy.” — Linds R., Chicago

Denny’s

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“‘Kuluina pirya il quel!’.... ‘KULUINA PIRYA IL QUEL!!!!’..... ‘IL QUEL!!!!!’*... I expected a band of just and fair elves from Middle Earth to save me and chant this as I walked into Denny's that morning, which is decked out in Hobbit specials this November and December in anticipation of the new Hobbit movie coming out, but alas I was not saved and walked to my doom at Denny's which apparently is now the equivalent of Mordor.

Up to that day, I had not been at a Denny's for years, but I liked the small-town breakfast diner atmosphere. What I especially liked were the Hobbit specials. I am a huge fan of the Lord of the Rings franchise, so I was able to picture myself in a modern Miami-esque shire waiting for Bilbo Baggins, Sam, and Frodo to magically appear.... Mmmm.. Shire sausage! Pumpkin pancakes! Lemon poppy seed French toast! I had a sudden craving for comfort food and decided to build my own grand slam, made up of all these premium 49 cents extra items.

Our food came out in about 20 minutes, which seemed to be a long wait time for Denny's, but while we were eating, one of their workers came to our part of the diner and screamed, ‘DOES ANYONE DRIVE A GRAY HONDA CIVIC?!’. I thought Rohan was being attacked by the way she was screaming. My friend blushed, raised her hand, and went out the front door to move her car. I could tell she was a tad bit embarrassed.

BTW, for those who do not speak Elvish, ‘Kuluyina pirya il quel!’ translates into ‘Orange juice not good!’ It was all right, but for the price we paid, it was honestly highway robbery.” — Keith P. Miami

IHOP

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“Sunday at the Steelyard IHOP is quite the experience. Upon entering, before the hostess could even say hello, a sign was given to me that I (unfortunately) chose to ignore.   

‘It’s not pee!" announces mom #1 to the entire waiting area. Her child -with pee all over her politely disagreed. Then Mom #2 got involved. "PEE !! It IS PEE"!!! she shrieks, followed by -"No its not PEE"!!! from mom #1. This was quite the spectacular entrance.

I also saw… 1 ten year old morbidly obese boy drink a liter of Coke and inhale stacks upon stacks of pancakes while mom's cell phone never left her ear. I think his dad and him had a pig-out contest. 

On the upside, the food spectacularly leaves your digestive tract within an hour, so make sure it is not a long drive home. The floor manager was a clone of Uncle Rico from Napolean Dynamite.” — Paulius N., Cleveland, Ohio

Olive Garden

Olive Garden

“Weird. This place is just weird. Like parallel universe weird.

Adults were served before kids. Entrees came before soup. Supposedly ‘bottomless’ salad and soup was never refilled. Trainee disappeared but other people we'd never seen before kept coming by just to ‘check and see if everything is alright.’

No. Everything is not alright.

One of four kids got wrong meal — which took an eternity to remedy while we all waited.

One of four kids got the right meal but half the portion of the other three and no side dish. No, no, no.

Then there was a bizarre mystery meatball which no one ordered but was placed on our table and sat there through our entire meal without inquiry.

And let's be honest about the breadsticks, people. Not that good. There, I said it. Not that good. Maybe if you live on Pillsbury pop-n-fresh, this might be a step up but really — not worth the hullabaloo.” — J.P., Los Angeles

Red Lobster

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“Every time I see their TV commercials I'm ready to dip my TV in butter but then reality sets in: My TV would probably taste better. Frozen tiny crustaceans add up to a low-grade, high-priced seafood meal. When I was married I asked my ex-wife to do me a favor: Every time I craved Red Lobster I asked her to remind me how awful the place is. Thanks to her I'll remember forever.” — Dan R., New York

TGI Friday’s

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“Well it is TGI Fridays, know that going in and don't act like a snob. A foodie would never go here, a sober person shouldn't go here. The staff is friendly enough and karaoke night is quite entertaining, it's a place where 20 to 30 something's go to prove they can adequately cover a Shania Twain song & should receive a standing ovation.” — Court N., Milwaukee