More and more stadiums are upping the insanity factor of their culinary offerings these days. While most of us just want a normal hot dog or a regular old cheeseburger to munch on while we watch the game, for some reason the concession teams at these stadiums are under the impression that watching professional athletes in peak form makes us want to speed up our own impending death by downing thousand-calorie greasebombs. We’ll probably see these gimmicky artery-cloggers fade away eventually, but in the meantime they’re at least fun to keep track of. Here are four that were forced upon the masses this season alone, and please, we beg of you, don’t eat them.
Comerica Park, Detroit: Poutine Dog
Poutine is all the rage these days, and with good reason: It’s French fries topped with cheese curds and gravy, for Pete’s sake. It was bound to top a hot dog, and of course a ballpark jumped on it: Detroit’s Comerica Park, home of the Tigers. The Poutine Dog is just what it sounds like: a hot dog topped with poutine. You’ll probably need a knife and fork for this one.
Progressive Field, Cleveland: Slider Dog
Progressive Field, home of the Cleveland Indians, introduced a truly head-scratching creation for this season: the unassumingly named Slider Dog, which is topped with macaroni and cheese, a pile of chopped bacon, and Froot Loops. We’re going to withhold judgement on this one for the time being.
PNC Park, Pittsburgh: Cracker Jack & Mac Dog
PNC Park, home of the Pittsburgh Pirates, has also created a ridiculous hot dog of its own for this season. It’s called the Cracker Jack & Mac Dog, and it seems to have only been created because “Jack” rhymes with “mac.” As the name might imply, it’s topped with macaroni and cheese and Cracker Jacks, along with some caramel sauce and jalapeños for good measure.
Chase Field, Phoenix: The Cheeseburger Dog
This mashup is even more unpleasant than it sounds. It’s a cheeseburger, in hot dog form (that is, a tube of ground beef) that’s been battered and deep-fried, then plopped onto a hot dog bun with lettuce, tomato, bacon, and a secret sauce. Sounds like a sneaky way to use up yesterday’s uneaten burgers!