“The pork. belly. last. night. was. horrendous.” Soup is returned because it’s not the right temperature, wine pairings lacking “nuance” are rife, and if the meal does not begin with two pounds of freshly steamed mussels, you’re in for disaster. Since the snob has not used his own kitchen, keep your mouth shut and enjoy the fact that when the food apocalypse comes and his favorite restaurant can’t import raw Danish butter or the barolo anymore, he’ll be asking you how to make eggs for breakfast. Rx: Let him pick up the tab.
Click here for five more Types of Foodies (and What to do with Them).
Taking a cue from Martha Stewart, this is the friend who effortlessly whips together coq au vin at the drop of the hat, any hat. Is there anything they can’t do? Yes: Admit that cooking takes time. Although you are used to them effusively detailing their latest creation — “Who knew fennel would be so good with figs?” — the truth is they’re completely frazzled when they find they have overcommitted themselves once again and now are up to their elbows in half-made canapés. Unfortunately, Trader Joe’s mini quiches are not an acceptable substitute, so the only answer is an overdose of homemade espresso shots. Hors d’oeuvres and the jitters, every time. Rx: A large glass of rosé.
"It's finally farmers market season again! I just dont know how I've managed all winter without kale." Beyond filling their basket with root vegetables and cold-pressed olive oil from the next valley over at the weekly market, the organivore is also known to always opt for the kind of authentic eateries that serve wine in mason jars unironically. Nevermind if its organic falafel; the organivore will inquire as to whether the yogurt in the house-made tzatziki is goat's milk or cow's milk and which local farm, exactly, it has come from. Rx: Focus the conversation on the polenta.
"I was eating Nutella before you could even buy it in the States," they say, pronouncing the word Nutella in the European accent of their choice. This is the friend you're happy to take along to the French bistro because they'll know exactly how to order, but you'll cringe when you realize they plan on studiously avoiding English throughout the entire meal. Rx: Never bring them a bottle of wine as a gift.
"You like this calamari? Do you? Yeah? It has nothing on the raw octopus I ate on my last trip to Southeast Asia. I said to myself, 'If you can get past the squirming tentacles, this will probably be the best thing you have ever eaten.' I was totally right." If you find yourself forced to spend time with this person, give wide berth to any exotic or international cuisine, as you will only set yourself up for a shame session. Try a good café for lunch and get sandwiches. This way, you'll only have to hear about the excellent baguette with real brie that your globe-trotting friend once consumed on the banks of the Seine itself. Rx: This foodie is your Wikipedia of food. Keep her busy recounting categories, techniques, and definitions.