Drunk Man Picks Fight With Turtle, Loses

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A drunk man said he could eat a live turtle, but the turtle objected
Wikimedia/U.S. Fish and Wildlife

A drunk man tried to eat a live turtle, but the turtle outsmarted him.

Inebriated people are not known for picking fights with logical opponents, but few have gone quite as far as a man in Beijing this week who got drunk, picked a fight with a live turtle, and lost.

According to Shanghaiist, a 40-year-old man was walking through a market and was reportedly already quite sauced when he came across a seafood vendor selling fish, seafood, and live turtles. For some reason unknown to anyone, the man declared that he could eat one of the turtles, despite the fact that the turtle was alive and about the size of a volleyball.

The man went to bite down on the turtle’s head, but the turtle opened wide and chomped right back, locking its jaws tight on the man’s lips. The man was completely unable to remove the turtle, and while a few other people attempted to help, nobody could manage to unlock the turtle. Witnesses say the man just stood there with the turtle hanging from his face for about 10 minutes, presumably reconsidering some of his recent life choices. After about 10 minutes, the turtle got tired and let go on its own.

The seafood vendor said turtles are known to bite, and appeared to think putting one near one’s mouth was tremendously silly.

“Small turtles are pets, but this big one is used for cooking,” the vendor said. “We are also very careful and get bitten when holding it.”

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