10 Cocktails That Need to Die

The worst cocktails that should fade into the history books
Wikimedia/ M. Weinert

Sex on the beach and other cocktails that should die.

The current cocktail craze is one of our generation’s greatest contributions to — well — our generation. However, there are still plenty of drinks out there that make us want to run back to the safety of craft beer and fine wine. Mixology is about being inventive and finding a concoction for anyone, sure, but some drinks make you wonder why they are still around, or were even invented in the first place. Here are 10 cocktails that just need to die.

Sex on the Beach
Actual sex on the beach is neither enjoyable nor tasteful. And its namesake cocktail is pretty terrible, too. At best it tastes like fruit punch, at worst it tastes like a melted red Popsicle and cheap vodka. Also, you don’t sound as sultry as you think you do when ordering it. Trust us.

So, 1983 called and said you can keep their cocktail. Don’t, though. Send that tired ish back. Rum, pineapple juice, orange juice, apricot brandy, light rum, dark rum, lime juice, sugar... we’re tired just listing the ingredients, not to mention the sugar crash after drinking one. Yawn. 

No self-respecting cocktail should taste like a green Jolly Rancher. Much less look like one. If the drink was ever made as designed — with apple cider — it might be tasty, but the commonly used Pucker has killed all good intentions.

Bloody Tampon
Why does this even exist? No, really — how and why did this become a thing? This sordid mess is a mix of whiskey, tequila, tomato juice, lemon juice, and Baileys Irish Cream. The result is a creamy blood red, chunky, altogether offensive concoction that should never have happened. Please, just don’t. 

Smokers Cough
Named as such because the revolting combination of Jagermeister and mayonnaise induces a reaction much like that experienced by longtime smokers. A drink that causes a phlegmy hack session? Why?

Long Island Iced Tea
Nothing says "I just turned 21 and am looking to get wasted" quite like this drink. Sure, your bartender looks kinda cool flipping all six bottles of rail spirits into your Collins glass. But more often than not, it tastes just like the bar mat. Plus, expect to pay a visit to the porcelain god at the end of the night.

Bar Mat Shot
Speaking of which, this gem is created when the bartender pours the spilled debris from a night of serving drinks into a shot glass. Gross, unsanitary, unnecessary. The only (tiny) upside to this drink is that it’s almost always free. Because bartenders want to laugh and cringe as they watch you drink it.

Over-the-Top Bloody Mary
Look, Bloody Marys are delicious. A really really good Bloody can cure hangovers, broken hearts and depression, all in a single glass. But the drink doesn’t need to include a piece of steak, a donut, or seven different types of veggies to be good. The drink should complement brunch, not consist of the entire buffet.

Vodka Red Bull
As Mad Men’s Peggy Olson once said, "You need three ingredients for a cocktail. Vodka and Red Bull is an emergency." (OK, maybe she said Mountain Dew, but it was the '60s — Red Bull hadn’t been invented yet.) While perfectly delicious on its own, the energy drink just doesn’t belong mixed with booze. Just look at what happed with Four Loko!

Scorpion Bowl
This is essentially a large bowl of sugar, dye, and cheap liquor designed to get you and a few others stupidly drunk, very, very quickly. It’s literally a hangover in a bowl. With little umbrellas and sometimes swirly straws. Skip.

— Vanessa Carbajal, The Drink Nation

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