Bartenders Name Drinks After Presidential Candidates and the Results Are Hilarious

From Rubio on the Rocks to Trumptini: The best of the presidential candidates, in liquid form
Donald Trump

Photo Modified: Flickr / Michael Vadon / CC BY-SA 3.0

Donald Trump’s Trumptini is the signature drink at Trump International Miami Beach Resort.

In the heat of the presidential candidates’ campaigns, where everything is becoming ferociously competitive and aggressive, we are all in need of a bit of light relief. We’ve been busy distracting ourselves from the serious political debates with several cold, refreshing drinks. It began to feel strange stepping so far away from the ever-present campaigns, though, so we went on a hunt to find the best drinks named after our presidential candidates.

Bernie Sanders is set on trying to convince Americans that he can run this country, and improve this country, with some very simple solutions. It was only fair that his cocktail echoed this “everything will be very straightforward” approach. This has led bartenders to create the “Blazin’ Bernie.” A quick and easy combination of Fireball Whisky and Coke, this is the perfect drink for socialist Sanders supporters. 

Hillary Clinton has told reporters that her favorite drink is a vodka martini. She even gave specifics on how she liked it: “the James Bond way, shaken.” After many nights spent fiercely campaigning, we imagine that she’s spent several recent post-debate evenings sitting at the bar, washing down a few martinis, taken — as James Bond might say — “the Hillary Clinton way, shaken.”  After a night of martini drinking, Clinton’s going to need something to perk her up in the morning. Bartenders can’t help but think that a “Classic Clinton Mimosa” — fresh orange juice and chilled Champagne — enjoyed with breakfast would refresh and revive, helping her get her game face on for another day of campaigning.

Ted Cruz is never seen without his patriotic lapel pin. He believes he (and definitely not Trump) is the only person who really has the ability to revive the good old America dream. Idealistic as this may be, Cruz’s cocktail needed to be as patriotic as America would become if Cruz ever took control. The “Cruz Control” concoction is made of tequila, blue Curaçao, UV Cherry, Sprite, and grenadine: A patriotic American cocktail in our much-loved colors of red, white, and blue.

As Marco Rubio has made his Cuban heritage a central theme in his campaign, bartenders have been keen to keep this central in their Rubio cocktails. As well as playing on his Cuban roots, they have also incorporated his hometown of Miami by adding a hint of golden beach to these drinks. Our favorites of the Rubio cocktails are the “Miami Mister:” Malibu, orange juice, pineapple juice, a cherry, and, of course an umbrella; and the ever so simple “Rubio on the Rocks:” rum, ice, and a splash of coconut milk.

As Trump doesn’t drink, bartenders have allowed themselves to make a metaphorical Trumptini. You could say this is the most accurate when it comes to encapsulating a candidate in a drink. The recipe goes: “One part demagoguery, two parts nonsense. Shake violently.” It’s as simple as that. However, not drinking hasn’t stopped Trump from taking naming a drink after himself into his own hands. The real Trumptini, which is the signature drink at the Trump International Beach Resort in Miami, is made up as follows: 1 ¼ ounces Bacardi Limon, ¾ ounce Cointreau, 2 ounces sour mix, splash of cranberry juice. Mix all the ingredients in a cocktail shaker with ice, and serve in a martini glass with a sugared rim and a T-shaped lemon peel. Yes, really, a T-shaped lemon peel.

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