Worst Food Sex Tips Slideshow
Advice: Use a wooden spoon to "give him a light smack on his butt."
Problems: Don’t wooden spoons harbor bacteria? Also, how will you tell your guests that the spoon you’re using to stir their butternut squash soup was also used for sexual foreplay?
Advice: "Tired of chocolate and whipped cream? You can also tickle each other's erogenous zones with ice cubes and sour and sweet candy like Warheads." Cosmo also suggests using the Warheads in a "find the sour spot on my body" game.
Problems: Have you seen people eat Warheads? Do you find those pinched, pained faces sexy? Not sure this is something you want to see in bed.
Advice: "Chew a small piece of mango" and proceed with the bedroom activities. "You can use whatever fruit you have, just don't try anything too acidic, as it can burn him," Cosmopolitan warns.
Problems: Wait, is this a texture thing? A flavor thing? We just don't get it. Also, so many things can go wrong if you decide to do something in-between, like strawberries. Mildly acidic, possibly painful. You never know until you try.
Advice: "Take a few of your favorite erotically appealing flavor combinations, like peanut butter and honey or whipped cream and chocolate sauce, and mix up yummy treats all over his body."
Problems: Every girl has read this, watched that Varsity Blues clip of teenage boys' dreams, and thought, "Gross!" Because as much as whipped cream, chocolate, honey, and peanut butter sound amazing on ice cream and cookies, sticky fingers and other body parts sound less than appealing. And getting chocolate sauce on your sheets, honey in your hair, and whipped cream all over does not sound like fun (and in some cases, it just sounds painful).
Advice: "Extra virgin coconut oil is a miracle food: It's great as a cooking oil and as a healthy [lubricant] during sex. It also takes on other flavors, so you can mix it with other natural ingredients to create a [lubricant] you won't mind getting in your mouth."
Problem: Nothing edible should go up your nether regions. Sorry. Same goes for sweet mix-ins, like cocoa. Even Cosmo admits that "tasty treats can be erotic, but putting sugary edibles down south can lead to a vaginal infection."
Advice: "Sprinkle a little pepper under his nose right before he climaxes. Sneezing can feel similar to an orgasm and amplify the feel-good effects."
Problem: "Sorry, hold on for a second while I grab this pepper mill and try to stuff some under your nose." Conversely, Justin Timberlake in Friends with Benefits proved the sneeze theory right, so, whatever floats your boat.
Advice: "Slip a donut around his [you-know-what], and slowly eat it off."
Problem: First of all, what? Why? Just save the donut for breakfast with coffee. Second of all, isn’t that a little belittling?
Advice: "Heat up some massage oil, and put it into a turkey baster. Then use the baster to draw shapes, spell out naughty words, or create trails on his body from his neck, over his arms, then down his back, butt, and legs."
Problem: Remember Nick's turkey baster episode from New Girl? We can never look at turkey basters the same again.