So this is supposedly an easy recipe. Basically, you just need Granny Smith apples, sugar, cinnamon, a pie crust (you can make your own if you want, but I’m just not that ambitious) and something to brush the pie crust with (I used butter, but you can definitely use olive oil or egg yolk).
First, you grab a Granny Smith apple and cut the top off. This part was easy.
Then, you cut out most of the inside of the apple and cut it into pieces. This part was hard. I initially tried to cut a square pattern into the apple and dislodge the pieces with a sharp knife, but that really didn’t work. I struggled in vain, and finally, my lovely roommate helped me with it. She proved to be the best at cutting – basically she just hacked it all away. Another reason why this isn’t worth it.
Next, I tossed the pieces of the apples in two teaspoons of sugar and ½ teaspoon of ground cinnamon. This part is pretty intuitive, and hurrah, I didn’t mess it up. Then, I put the apple pieces back into the apple. Again, this would be hard to mess up.
Finally, I cut out strips of the pie crust and arranged them in a lattice structure over the apples. I had to look up how to create a lattice because I have zero artistic skills, but as you can see, these actually looked kind of pretty.
I gave myself a pat on the back for this. I top it off by brushing the pie crust with some melted butter. Into the oven they went, at 350ºF for 30-40 minutes.
Unfortunately, it may have looked good going into the oven, but it looked awful coming out of the oven.
LOOK AT HOW UGLY IT IS. JUST LOOK AT IT.
Of course, this wouldn’t have mattered if it had tasted good. After all, I’ve eaten a lot of questionable-looking things and been in awe at how amazing they tasted. But sadly, that was not the case here. The apple pieces tasted dry, the actual apple was mushy and strange, and the pie crust tasted like dry cardboard. What a failure.
Lessons learned: use some denser apples. Or better yet, just make a goddamn apple pie.
Want more? Check out this cool takes on America’s favorite dessert: