A lighthearted look at news, events, culture and everyday life in New York. The opinions expressed are solely those of the writer.
By Nina Pajak
Like I’ve been saying, the new year’s resolution game is a dangerous one. In previous years, I’ve been fairly placid about eschewing the whole thing. But now that I’ve opened the door, it’s been an avalanche. With every new bit of resolve, more opportunities for self-improvement occur to me. There’s just no end to the personal overhaul upon which I clearly must embark. But as I hem and haw and torment myself over unattainable resolutions and promises to become a completely different and better person over the next twelve months, I realize I’m already driving myself crazy. So to take a mental health break, I do what I always do: try to put myself in the mindset of my 20-month-old daughter, whose worldview and self-expression never fail to befuddle and amuse me. I imaginary asked her to make some of her own resolutions, and these are her imaginary (but pretty likely) answers. I like her list way better than my own.
- Eat more crayons. In 2014, they were only for coloring. The world just keeps getting bigger.
- Pick more boogies. Did you know you can fit your finger up there?
- Convince parents to cease paying attention to anyone or thing that isn’t me. Dramatically pretending to fall down just doesn’t have the same appeal when your mom is engaged in adult conversation.
- Gain access to all those magic portals which are being strategically guarded from me. You know, like the wall outlets, the basement steps, the inside of the toilet bowl, and every single kitchen cabinet and drawer. Where do they go? What do they contain? This goal is in direct conflict with the one above, I realize. I never said I wasn’t up for a challenge.
- Spin in more circles. Self-explanatory.
- Master the stairs. In both directions. Did you know they also go down? First the crayons, then the nose, now this. God, what are these people teaching me, anyway?
- Watch all the Dora. ALL OF IT. What are we waiting for? Fire up the iPad because we’ve got a lot to get through, here. And when we’re done, we’re going to have to incessantly talk about one arbitrarily-selected five minute portion of one random episode and then I’m going to forget we ever watched any of it. And pay attention, because see resolution #2.
- Fall down less. See #5.
- Win dog’s undying devotion. Or at least a consistent level of positive interest. Eating dog food = key to dog’s heart? Further research required.
- More. More more. More more more. More. No, more. More no! It doesn’t matter of what. Just more. No please, just more. All of it. More of it. MORE. Now.
- Destroy all humans (outside of family members and close friends). Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I want to destroy destroy them, it’s just that I want them not to look at or talk to or exist within a ten-block radius of me. So, that. People are scary and you know it’s true.
- Eat a raw carrot. Oh, the power!
- Take fewer baths. I was saving that avocado for later!
- TV. TV! TV! TV! God, it’s so beautiful. What’s that, a guy talking about the fact that it’s raining outside? Here’s this guy yelling about this other thing and his shirt is blue! Hey, that’s a picture of a car! Is that doggie? Oh my gosh I love doggie! Boy, what a fun world it is.
- Get that thing. No, not that thing. That other thing. No! The thing over there. Up there! No! No! No! NOOOOO!
Nina Pajak is a writer living with her husband, daughter and dog in Queens. Connect with Nina on Twitter!