Nina In New York: It’s Time Our Candy Started Working For Us

Nina In New York: It’s Time Our Candy Started Working For Us

A lighthearted look at news, events, culture and everyday life in New York. The opinions expressed are solely those of the writer.

By Nina Pajak

The holidays aren’t just about shopping and being with family and shopping. They’re about many more important things, like eating. And attempting not to eat. And eating twice as much as you would have if you hadn’t gotten yourself all in a twist about how you shouldn’t eat so much. And then . . . the aftermath. We’re all going to get through it, though. As anyone who has ever been on a diet knows, there are several key elements to any successful weight loss plan:

  • Reduce calories
  • Increase exercise
  • Drink lots of water
  • Eat fresh produce
  • Avoid processed foods
  • Calories do not count if consumed while walking, in liquid form, or in the form of a taste or sample.
  • Foods like celery and raspberries burn calories because they are difficult to digest, so eating them automatically neutralizes more fattening foods. See: chocolate raspberry tart; celery dipped in ranch dressing; celery chopped up into egg salad; buffalo wings + celery sticks

I know. It’s a lot to remember. Well now, thanks to some scientists at the Nestlé Institute of Health Sciences who may or may not deserve a Nobel peace prize, there is a new solution.

With the help of a particular molecule that stimulates a protein found in the body responsible for turning fat into energy (in other words, what normally happens in our bodies when we engage in physical activity), they are attempting to develop food that can actually exercise our muscles for us.

Finally! After millennia of settling for food that simply nourishes us and then just sits around like a lazy bum in our . . . bums . . . we are finally on the brink of some real progress. Can you imagine the possibilities? The Nestlé Crunch bar becomes the Crunches bar. That box of Nips will also tuck. The Chunky bar, uh. The Chunky bar may need to be retired.

Obviously, this isn’t really how they intend it to work. The scientists envision this innovation helping people with type 2 diabetes and other like illnesses, and they hope it will “help promote and augment the effects of exercise.”

Please imagine the giant raspberry noise I am making right now.

Sure, maybe that will be how it begins. With humble, even honorable intentions. But I can’t wait for that thing that happens when the technology becomes broadly accessible, paving the way for a whole new supermarket aisle devoted to foods that promise to rid us of cellulite and give us firm, round, baby-oiled Kardashian rears if only we will just commit to sitting on our couches and plowing through a bag of chocolate chips.

A girl can dream. Until then, I suppose I can get by with my free samples and celery calzones.

Nina Pajak is a writer living with her husband, daughter and dog in Queens. Connect with Nina on Twitter!