Nina In New York: If You Watched ‘Eaten Alive,’ I’m Pretty Sure It’s Over Between Us

Nina In New York: If You Watched ‘Eaten Alive,’ I’m Pretty Sure It’s Over Between Us

A lighthearted look at news, events, culture and everyday life in New York. The opinions expressed are solely those of the writer.

By Nina Pajak

Somehow, it seems I’ve fallen out of sync with the flow of popular culture. A couple of nights ago, Discovery Channel (which has helped us in the noble pursuits of discovering everything from “The Deadliest Catch” to the seedy world of “The Amish Mafia”) aired a show tantalizingly titled “Eaten Alive.” It premiered amid great fanfare, promising salivating viewers that they would see a man be literally eaten alive by a giant anaconda snake.

Then, to the great dismay of millions of people, the voluntary subject of the show was not, in fact, consumed whole. It seems the snake spent a while crushing him, tasted his helmet, and then he called in his team of life-savers to, you know, save his life. The backlash has been great, according to the Internet and, more specifically, my Facebook newsfeed. And I must wonder: what the eff has happened to us? It’s bad enough that a network would air a two-hour special in which they attempt to feed a human to a snake, but did we really, truly want to see that happen? Weren’t you all sort of relieved that you hadn’t just witnessed a genuine horror film come to life? Or did you really settle in with a beer and a bowl of pretzels hoping to be treated to a snuff film on the same network responsible for a show called “Penguins: Waddle All the Way?”

It’s been difficult enough realizing through Facebook who among my friends rabidly opposes all the political and moral views I hold dear. Now I have to know that some people who “like” photos of my kid and randomly wish me a happy birthday once every few years are mad that they didn’t get to see a guy die a painful death on television (or at least, come close and then get saved at the last heart-pounding second, leaving both him and the snake traumatized beyond repair).

You guys. I can live through the FarmVille updates and the incessant clickbait sharing and even the likes on articles I find reprehensible, but this may be the last straw. I think it’s best if we spent some virtual time (further) apart. It’s not me, it’s you. It’s very much you. It’s like I don’t even vaguely know who you are in a meaningless and superficial way anymore. I thought we had something special when you liked my “throwback Thursday” post. I thought we were on the same imaginary page based on carefully selected, incomplete details which we choose to share about our lives. I just . . . need to be alone for a while. I don’t think we can bounce back from this.

I’m sorry. I hope you get the help you need.

Nina Pajak is a writer living with her husband, daughter and dog in Queens. Connect with Nina on Twitter!