The Onion Satirizes Panic Over ‘Cancer-Causing’ Red Meat

Staff Writer
A new Onion headline says, ‘Report: Red Meat Linked To Contentedly Patting Belly’
Warning: Eating copious amounts of steak can lead to a long nap later on (no, not that long)

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Warning: Eating copious amounts of steak can lead to a long nap later on (no, not that long)

Hopefully we’re laughing at ourselves now for briefly panicking that our love for bacon will surely lead to colon cancer. After all, even though processed meats have been labeled carcinogens, you’re far more likely to contract cancer from a smoking or drinking habit, according to the CDC.

The Onion has satirized our nitrate freak-out with the perfect headline, “Report: Red Meat Linked to Contentedly Patting Belly.”

“Our data show a strong, statistically significant correlation between consuming servings of red meat and pushing back one’s chair, letting out a satisfied sigh, and gently patting or rubbing one’s abdomen with either one or both hands,” said lead researcher Elliott Hyde, in the satirical article. “Subjects who ate steaks, burgers, roasts, or chops were also 80 percent more susceptible than non-meat-eaters to groaning happily at audible volumes.”

Apparently, another symptom of eating red meat is the unfortunate desire (and 100 percent likelihood) that the subject will reach for seconds of whatever red meat is on the table.

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