Ladies Ruled the Golden Globes With Drunken Hijinks, Strange Speeches & Hard-Hitting Jokes


"This was the beautiful mess we hoped it would be," joked Tina Fey at the closing of this year's Golden Globes and true to her words, it was definitely a mess. From the strange wins to the drunken shenanigans, the show was a weird amalgamation of the past year in film and television, and I loved it. 12 Years a Slave snagging Best Picture (whew) wasn't the only winner last night, as the ceremony quickly became a Famous Ladies Gone Wild production with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler (who made out with Bono and finally won for Parks and Recreation!) as the glorious ringleaders.

Compared to last year's show, Tina and Amy (we're all on a first name basis) definitely seemed like they were holding back, but many of their jokes still landed like well-executed punches. Especially Tina's summation of Gravity as "the story of how George Clooney would rather float away in space and die than spend one more minute with a woman of his own age."

Jacqueline Bisset got everyone's attention with her rambling acceptance speech after winning Best Supporting Actress in a Series, Miniseries or TV Movie for Dancing on the Edge. Completely surprised and unprepared for her win, the longtime actress slowly (and I mean slowly — come one, Hollywood Foreign Press, you couldn't have sat her a little closer to the stage?) made her way to the podium where she awkwardly gave her thanks between long pauses and uncomfortable eye contact. Dropping uncensored curses and just generally not caring, Bisset set the tone for the entire show and I thank her for it.

Then we have the twice-nominated (one for Veep and the other for Enough Said) Julia Louis-Dreyfus and her ongoing "too cool" for TV persona, sitting with the movie actors instead of the television ones. The actress' cutaways definitely shone the brightest, from casually puffing on an e-cig while wearing sunglasses and brushing off Reese Witherspoon's attempts to take a selfie with her to later inhaling a chili dog in the TV section.

Free alcohol came into play when Emma Thompson came out (sans envelope) barefoot to present the award for Best Screenplay, holding a pair of Louboutin heels and a martini. "I just want you to know, this red, it's my blood," she said, referring to the red-soles. After the envelope was brought out to her, she tossed the shoes over her shoulder and passed her drink to Miss Golden Globe to read the winner. It's important to note, Thompson was also running down the red carpet earlier, barefoot and screaming. Needless to say, Thompson is a goddess and this is Jennifer Lawrence's future.

Speaking of, whoever organized the schedule missed a huge opportunity with Lawrence's category — which was one of the first awards announced. Sure, her speech was everything the world wants from her (funny, charming, and random), it could have been made so much better had they waited until she was drunk to give it to her. 

I didn’t think anyone could out-do Bisset's strangeness, but out came Diane Keaton and I was gloriously proved wrong. Accepting the Cecil B. DeMille Award on behalf of Woody Allen (who couldn't be bothered to show up), Keaton was everything we wanted: strange, sincere, and funny. Aside from the montage of his work, trying to pass of many of his terrible films as praise-worthy, the segment was certainly more entertaining than anything Allen would have given. She even sang. Yeah, it got weird.

To be fair, the guys had some great moments too: Bono got to give Amy Poehler a backrub (which was pre-make out); P. Diddy tried to drunkenly freestyle (actually, every awkward hug he gave should be mentioned); Johnny Depp appeared at the end to confuse everyone with his hair and age-defying face; a waiter got a lot of screen time for some reason; Leonard DiCaprio blinded everyone with his tanned visage; and Aaron Paul rounded out the Breaking Bad acceptance speech in the way only Jesse Pinkman can. Oh, and Jim Carey's joke needs to be mentioned, saying, "Dying is easy, comedy is hard. I believe it was Shia LaBeouf who said that."

I don’t know about everyone else, but I'm hoping the Golden Globes just hands the hosting gig over to Amy and Tina full-time, because Tina is right, "this is Hollywood and if something kind of works, they just keep doing it until everybody hates it."