The Best 'Chopped' Application You'll Read All Day

Staff Writer
Get this guy on television, ASAP
Chopped
YouTube/FoodNetworkTV

Amateur cooks may want to be on Chopped, but none so desparately as Deadspin/Gawker writer Drew Magary. So we say, get him on TV.

The hilarious writer applied to Chopped via Deadspin, writing out hilarious, ever quotable answers. First up, why he likes to cook: "I like to cook because I like eating WHILE I cook," he writes. "Also, cooking is an easy way for me to avoid dealing with the kids and still look like I contributed something to the household. I cook for my family every day: risotto, braised chicken, chimichurri sauces, everything. My kids won't eat any of it because they lack refined palates and are ungrateful little bastards. But my wife is down with it."

As for questions about his training, he knows what's up. "I may not have the 'education' or the 'knowledge' of 'actual' chefs," he writes. "But what I lack in formal education, I make up for in SOUL. That's what every amateur cook says right before they get chopped, right? That they have soul? I have a sh*tload of soul."

Our favorite, however, has to be how he describes his cooking style: "SEXYLOVESAUCE." "When you eat my food, you feel sexy and saucy. And you feel loved. SEXYLOVESAUCE. I love BOLD FLAVORS, because chefs who don't like bold flavors are p*ssies. My favorite ingredients are HARD WORK and FIERCE SCRAPPITUDE. And Adobo. Adobo kicks a**."

Naturally, host Ted Allen has caught on to this excellent application, tweeting, "I say add 20 extra pages to his nondisclosure ;) and let this muthaf*cka cook...." We agree, especially when one of his answers notes that the Chopped application has 19 questions. "This isn't Harvard Law School. I'm not gonna give you some flowery bullsh*t about my food touching the soul of others. I'm here to MAKE LOVE TO YOUR TONGUE. That's it." Word. Read it all over on Deadspin.

Jessica Chou is an associate editor at The Daily Meal. Follow her on Twitter @jesschou.