Ridiculous Bacon Products
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Forget sex, bacon sells. And when it comes to selling bacon, there is no jumping the shark.
Bacon bits, chocolate-covered bacon, bacon cupcakes, bacon pasta, bacon doughnuts, bacon ice cream, bacon frosting — there’s no limit to the ways people use and abuse bacon. Even the famous bacon explosion recipe (two pounds of bacon woven through and around two pounds of sausage and slathered in barbecue sauce), which got a write-up in The New York Times, doesn’t seem to have put an end to the heights (or depths) that folks will go to when exploiting, er, using bacon. And that’s why there’s no end to bacon products being sold out there — many, absolutely ridiculous.
And, hey, why not? Undeniably bad fast-food joints have long known that a key way to push their hockey pucks was to just add bacon. Instant flavor! Added texture! In 2009, data compiled for BurgerBusiness.com by Chicago-based researcher Mintel showed that in just four years (since 2005) the number of menu items of all types that included bacon was up 26.5 percent at all (quick- and full-service) restaurants. There just seems to be no limit to what bacon can do. Two years ago, a team of researchers at Newcastle’s University Centre Life even released a study that essentially claimed that bacon cures hangovers. You can even make soap with bacon. That’s right, there’s a recipe using bacon that could quite possibly somehow even make getting your mouth washed out OK.
Someone should harness the power of bacon to power America’s cars, fix its roads, and send everyone to college. Someone should use this power for good! To feed the hungry, send people to Mars (and feed them while they're there), balance the budget, pay off the debt, stop all wars, and create world peace.
Don’t hold your breath.
Before bacon is used for any and all of those altruistic pursuits, it’s going to run the gamut of every common pursuit. It may already have. Consider, there are bacon toiletries, weapons, apparel (how about a bacon scented, bacon print tuxedo?), and candy (Mo's Milk Chocolate Bacon Bar, anyone?). There are bacon wallets, bacon lunchboxes, bacon air fresheners, bacon lip balm, Bacon Strips Adhesive Bandages, and bacon spray. There’s even a bacon bra. There’s bacon underwear, bacon infant one-pieces, and bacon T-shirts.
You almost have to wonder, after seeing the bacon alarm clock, the Bacon Torch, and the BA-K-47, "America’s No. 1 bacon-based assault rifle," if moms the world over weren’t right after all when they’d said, "Don’t play with your food." For the record, Bacon Lube, intended originally as an April Fool’s joke, was supposedly turned into an actual product due to overwhelming requests from people to be beta-testers. That's right, there's even "Naughty Bacon."
Bacon gumballs, bacon flavored mints, lollipops, bacon beans, you can even superimpose a piece of bacon on your computer screen by using the URL featured at Bacolicio.us, ("Go Grease Your Friends!"). Bacon iPhone case, anyone? There’s even a "Porky Pooper." Yes, for $5.90 you can buy the Porky Pooper from the Warehouse, a toy whose selling points can best be summarized by letting them speak for themselves:
"You've never had so much fun with a farm animal! These cute little pigs dispense dainty candy doo doo for the munching pleasure of friends and loved ones. Just pop off the head to fill the body with jelly beans and let the silly giggles begin. Each 4-inch plastic pig poops jelly bean droppings when you push down on its behind. Sorry, toiletries not included."
You've never had so much fun with a farm animal? Someone was paid money to write that. No, hopefully you've never had so much fun with a farm animal. But hey, it’s even possible to replace the cola and butterscotch jelly beans that originally accompany the toy with the bacon-flavored jelly beans mentioned above for the ultimate pork toy power move.
That’s right, even though you’re told it’s bad for you, bacon seems to be more popular than ever. So check out this list of some of the most ridiculous bacon products highlighted by Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader.
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