The Drink Nation
April Fools’ Day joke? We wish. Blurring the lines between ridiculous and mad genius, depending on your point of view, these 10 products are real, available for you to buy to satisfy all your beer-related needs.
1. Beer Spa Day at Vail
After a hard day on the slopes, Level 4 Beer Enthusiasts will relax with a beer in hand, but that’s amateur hour. As a Level 8 Beer Enthusiast, you relax with a hand in beer. The spa at Vail’s Four Seasons resort is offering a 'Brew and Renew' rejuvenation package, a craft brew-centric day aimed at attracting more men. Exfoliate with barley husks, dip your toes in the Amber Ale foot soak, and let the tension melt away with a stout scalp treatment.
2. Beer Soap
Can’t afford slope-side brew pampering at Vail? No problem. You can still enjoy all the scientific (ableit questionable) benefits of dermally applied beer in the comfort of your own bathtub. Choose your brew-scent of choice — are you more in a "Draft Beer Soap Made with Guinness" mood or a "Black Pepper and Lime Beer Soap Made with Corona" kind of mood? We’re leaning towards the latter. It is almost summertime, after all.
3. The Beer Belly
Who pays $8.50 for 16 ounces of domestic swill at stadiums anymore? Chumps who failed to purchase a Beer Belly, that’s who. Sure, you give up some of your svelte physique, but this bladder-o’-beer cleverly disguised as blubber will help you sip discretely on your favorite beverage just about anywhere. Anywhere. Don’t want to add the appearance of belly-weight, ladies? Check out sister product The Wine Rack.
4. Beer Dispensing Backpack
Like the idea of a portable dispensary but favor comfort over discretion? Then forego the Beer Belly and strap on the Beer Backpack. Holding up to 3 liters (roughly 100 ounces) of liquid, this ergonomic porta-bar is sure to make you the most popular guest at your next wedding, bar mitzvah, or corporate event.
No question, when the beer bong comes out, this party’s going to 11! While the beer bong has long been the poster child of off-the-hook-edness, however, it really is a tool for the individual, not the party masses. Well, humanity’s smartest engineers have finally developed the solution: the Bongzilla. This ingenious design allows up to 6 partygoers to have fermented fun force fed down their gullets at the same time. Brilliant.
6. iBeer App
This inexplicably popular app allows you to have a virtual drinking experience with your iPhone. The free version is painfully ad heavy, so if you have a situation where pretending to drink a beer would be a handy app to have (like _________?), don’t be a cheapskate. Pay the 99 cents. With the full version you get not only the basic lager, you also get stouts, ambers and sodas for hours of fake drinking fun.
This invention solves two problems for humanity. First, for those who do not have the time to wait for gravity-fed beer bongs to empty, this syringe design will get your buzz on faster by simply forcing it into you. Secondly, have you ever tried to use a beer bong when you are home alone? It’s like licking your elbow. Impossible. Now you can load up your Beirstick, find the closest wall, press, and pray it stays down. Or if you do happen to have a friend over, try it like the photo!
8. The Cooler Scoop
Are you tired of having your hands cut off by coolers? And the inevitable heart attacks that come from fetching beer? Then call KL5-3226 and order yourself a Cooler Scoop! Why do a thing with your hands when you can do a thing with a thing your hands are holding?
There is a whole industry of products aimed at getting alcohol into places it is not supposed to be. None, perhaps, are doing it more half-assedly than Canouflage. Dang! Security’s checking bags for beers. Good thing I have Canouflage! That Security Guard will never pick up this can of unrecognizable ‘Bubbly Seltzer Water’ for a closer inspection! Fooled ’em again, Canouflage!
10. Shotgun Champ
Many simple tasks are made exponentially more difficult when drinking is involved. Take shotgunning a beer, for example. When you are sober, puncturing an aluminum can with a pen is child’s play. When you are drunk, it is downright dangerous. But what — you’re only supposed to shotgun beers when sober? No way. Use the Shotgun Champ and "wasted beer and injuries from sharp objects will be a thing of the past!"
— Brandon M. Gallagher Watson, The Drink Nation
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