Have you been invited to a party full of people you resent? Do you want to alienate an entire room full of people? Do you completely not care about being hated, and prefer to be remembered with scorn for all eternity? Then be sure to follow these 24 tips on how to be a terrible, awful, absolutely miserable party guest.
1. Arrive drunk, and continue to drink heavily.
2. Don’t bring any sort of gift for the host.
3. Bring alcohol, but don’t let anybody else drink it.
4. Insult the host to his/her face, or well within earshot.
5. Butt into everybody else’s conversations with inappropriate statements that have nothing to do with what’s being discussed.
6. Loudly complain about how terrible the party is.
7. Make sure you point out how terrible the food is, and that there isn’t enough of it.
8. Break something.
9. If there’s a pool, push someone into it, then laugh.
10. Sneak into the bedroom, then ask the host why he or she has a prescription for antidepressants on their nightstand.
11. Remind the host about that crazy thing they did in Vegas that time, and make sure his or her significant other is within earshot.
12. Turn the music up really loud.
13. When you’re not interrupting existing conversations, stand around looking like you’d rather be anywhere else on earth than at this terrible party.
14. Flirt only with people who you know are in committed relationships.
15. Be sure to dress like a teenager going to a rock concert.
16. Vomit somewhere.
17. Eat food right out of the host’s refrigerator.
18. Stand on a table or chair, attempt to dance, and fall onto somebody. (This is also a good time to break something.)
19. Make a speech, giving everyone else the opportunity to learn about that crazy thing the host did in Vegas that time.
20. Fight somebody, preferably the host, with closed fists if possible (this may happen organically after your speech).
21. Tell everyone who will listen how great a President Donald Trump will be.
22. If you’ve had any medical procedures lately, make sure everyone at the party knows all the details.
23. Chain smoke, indoors.
24. Pass out on the couch.