10 Crazy Hotel Concierge Food Requests (Slideshow)
Nice Place for Breakfast
GUEST: We want breakfast at Donkey Donald's.
CONCIERGE: Donkey Donald's?
GUEST: Ehhhhhh, yes. Franchise?
CONCIERGE: Donkey Donald's?
GUEST: Good breakfast.
(CONCIERGE Googles "Donkey Donald's Franchise" and finds nothing)
CONCIERGE: I'm not familiar with it. Do you mean McDonald's?
GUEST: HAHAHA! (In French to his family) He thinks we want McDonald's!
FAMILY: HAHAHAHAHAHA!
GUEST: No. Nice place for breakfast with Donalds.
CONCIERGE: Can you write the name for me?
(Guest writes out "Dunkin Donuts.")
CONCIERGE: Oh. Two blocks south.
GUEST: Popular place?
CONCIERGE: America runs on it.
GUEST: (impressed) Oh! Thank you!
It’s the One Thing We’ve Got
GUEST: We want to have breakfast at Tiffany's. Can you make us a reservation?
CONCIERGE: They don't actually serve breakfast.
(Guest rolls eyes)
GUEST: Well, brunch then.
What IS Brooklyn Crust?
GUEST: Hey there! We want a fantastic pizza place! We're excited to try some real New York Pizza.
CONCIERGE: Absolutely! We have three really great places nearby, and two I can highly recommend if you're willing to travel.
GUEST: Oh. Better stay nearby.
CONCIERGE: Well, there's... [lists three pizza places nearby].
GUEST: Hm.
CONCIERGE: Yes?
GUEST: No Pizza Huts?
WIFE: They have the Brooklyn Crust.
(*Ed. Note: Actually it's Domino's that has Brooklyn-style, but that's beside the point.)
How do you say, “I see you don’t like the orange juice,” in Portuguese?
(An elderly Brazilian man approaches concierge carrying orange juice from the continental breakfast.)
ELDERLY BRAZILIAN: Ehhhh....
CONCIERGE: Yes?
(Elderly Brazilian holds up orange juice to concierge's face.)
CONCIERGE: How may I help you?
ELDERLY BRAZILIAN: No good!
CONCIERGE: Oh. Tell the food and beverage attendants.
(He pushes orange juice closer.)
ELDERLY BRAZILIAN: Ehhhhhhh.
(He gestures for concierge to smell.)
CONCIERGE: Yes.
(He pushes orange juice closer.)
ELDERLY BRAZILIAN: Ehhhhhhhh, no.
(He pushes orange juice to concierge's lips.)
CONCIERGE: Yes. I understand you don't like the orange juice. I don't need to taste it for you.
(The Elderly Brazilian removes the cup and then wags his fingers in the concierge's face.)
ELDERLY BRAZILIAN: Speak Portuguese?
CONCIERGE: No.
(The Elderly Brazilian looks around as if to say, "Then who?")
CONCIERGE: No one.
(The Elderly Brazilian leaves to find someone else to whom he can present his orange juice.)
A Trust Exercise
GUEST: Do you remember when we came by here and we wanted a reservation at Mikey's Bistro and you said it was closed?
CONCIERGE: I do.
GUEST: We went all the way there and guess what... it really was closed!
CONCIERGE: Right.
GUEST: Did you know that?
CONCIERGE: I did. I told you. Their website says they're closed.
GUEST: You can't trust what you read on the internet!
My Own Personal HELL…’s Kitchen.
GUEST: Hell's Kitchen.
CONCIERGE: Do you want me to mark it on a map?
GUEST: That would be nice, wouldn't it?
(Concierge circles the Hell's Kitchen neighborhood.)
GUEST: (rolling eyes) I know where the neighborhood is. The restaurant.
CONCIERGE: Sure. There's a casual Mexican restaurant called Hell's Kitchen, but are you referring to the Gordon Ramsay restaurant? Just know that he doesn't actually have a restaurant called Hell's Kitchen here.
(Guest gets very nervous.)
GUEST: Why would I want that?
CONCIERGE: Ok. I'm sorry. I just have several guests come and ask where his Hell's Kitchen restaurant is or they think this Hell's Kitchen restaurant is some fancy place. It's just a casual Mexican restaurant in the Hell's Kitchen neighborhood.
GUEST: No. I know.
(Guest turns away, hesitates, turns back around.)
GUEST: So, what IS the name of Gordon Ramsay's restaurant, just in case I wanted to go there?
A Guest’s Big Idea…
(Concierge is on the phone with a restaurant reservationist while the guest waits.)
CONCIERGE: I'm sorry, sir, 8 p.m. is not available. The restaurant only has space for a party of four people at 5:45 or 10 p.m.
GUEST: That won't work. See if they have 7:30.
CONCIERGE: Do you have 7:30?
RESERVATIONIST: 5:45 or 10.
CONCIERGE: 5:45 or 10.
GUEST: What about 8:30?
CONCIERGE: 8:30?
RESERVATIONIST: 5:45 or 10.
CONCIERGE: 5:45 or 10.
GUEST: Make it for 9 and we'll just go earlier and wait.
RESERVATIONIST: Ok, I can hear him. We'd prefer to not have him tonight. Tell him that we've just booked our 5:45 and 10 through Opentable now and we're fully reserved.
CONCIERGE: Oh. Someone just booked their last two tables through OpenTable. They are fully committed.
GUEST: Oh.
(Guest gets big idea).
GUEST: Hey! How about you book us an 8:00 through OpenTable?
"Close" is not "in"
(Desk phone rings. Guest's name pops up on caller ID)
CONCIERGE: (answers phone) Thank you for calling the concierge desk at ___, this is __, how may I assist you?
GUEST: (on phone) So APPARENTLY you don't have a bar anymore??
CONCIERGE: Yes, unfortunately it's closed for the season.
GUEST: Well that's just great. Where am I supposed to get a drink around here?
CONCIERGE: There are plenty of places nearby to get a drink. There's __ which is a cocktail lounge, __ which is a nice Irish pub-
GUEST: No, that's not gonna work. I don't need somewhere near here; I need somewhere near Penn Station to get a VERY QUICK DRINK with a work colleague. Just anywhere. Go.
CONCIERGE: Okay well there's the Tryp Hotel, they have a nice bar, would be good for a quick meeting. There's also Niles at the Affinia Hotel, the Statler at the Pennsylvania, and Nick & Stef's Steakhouse on the street level-
GUEST: Are any of these in Penn Station?
CONCIERGE: Nick & Stef's is right above it, and the others are very close.
GUEST: Okay, well CLOSE is not IN. I need somewhere IN Penn Station.
CONCIERGE: There's not that many...
GUEST: What is there?
CONCIERGE: The only true bars are either a place called Tracks, it's in the concourse-
GUEST: (laughs bitterly) Oh wow. "Tracks." Yeah, right. That sounds niiice. That's real great. How about somewhere decent?
CONCIERGE: (wounded) Ma'am, Penn Station is not Grand Central Station. It is not a beautiful train station. Your options for bars within Penn Station are called Tracks, Kabooz's, or T.G.I. Friday's.
GUEST: You mean to tell me that's it???
CONCIERGE: (wanted to say) Oh I almost forgot, there's also a lovely bar called Coors Light Tallboy In A Brown Paper Bag. That's your fourth option.
CONCIERGE: (actually said) Yes, ma'am.
GUEST: UGH. This HOTEL is TERRIBLE!!! (tries to slam phone down on receiver, accidentally drops phone) Oh for CHRIST'S SAKE (hangs up).
9th. 8th. Same thing.
(A guest calls.)
GUEST: You made us a reservation at a restaurant. We are here, but the restaurant is not!
CONCIERGE: What restaurant?
GUEST: I don't know! You wrote down here 51st street and 9th Ave.
CONCIERGE: Ok. And I wrote down the name of the restaurant.
GUEST: VYNL. But we are here and VYNL isn't.
CONCIERGE: Huh? What do you see?
GUEST: Some restaurants and stuff, but not VYNL!
CONCIERGE: Do you see street signs?
GUEST: Yeah! 51st street.
CONCIERGE: And what's the avenue?
GUEST: 8th! VYNL isn't here!
CONCIERGE: Right. It's on 9th. 9th and 51st. You're on 8th and 51st.
GUEST: So what do I do? Turn left or right?
CONCIERGE: I don't know which way you're facing.
GUEST: 9th and 51st!
CONCIERGE: That's where VYNL is. You are on 8th and 51st. You have to head west.
GUEST: Left or Right?
CONCIERGE: Do you see a cab?
GUEST: Yeah!
CONCIERGE: Get that cab and tell them 9th and 51st.
GUEST: How?
Cool. Snap. Snap.
GUEST: Hey, my man. What's happenin'?
CONCIERGE: I'm great. Thanks. How can I assist you?
GUEST: Yeah, my man. We need a real hip lunch place.
CONCIERGE: What kind of food are you looking for?
GUEST: Cool stuff. Something real hip for her, ya dig?
(Guest points to a wide eyed 3-year-old who just wants a cookie.)
CONCIERGE: What food does she like?
GUEST: Some place with a slick vibe and a bunch of cool cats.
CONCIERGE: Cool Cats?
GUEST: Yeah, yeah, my man. Cool like you and me. You know... Coooooool.
(All light cigarettes. Concierge hits bongo. Nixon gets elected. Beat era is dead. Guest goes to Carmine's.)