Drinking Beyoncé’s Bathwater

Staff Writer
Hint: It tastes like naughty green apples with a touch of creaminess
Champagne

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In case you were wondering, her bathwater tastes great.

Many a young male has been so enamored by a glamorous female celebrity that he vows he would even drink her bathwater.  If that thought ever crosses your mind concerning Beyoncé, here’s a personal report — her bathwater tastes fabulous!

In fact, it has the refreshing tartness of naughty green apples with a creamy finish that makes you  want to keep going back for another sip.

Of course, the last time Beyoncé took a bath in public, it was in a hot tub with Nicki Minaj for the music video of “Feeling Myself.” In the vid, Bey is seen adding a bottle or two of Champagne to the tub in order to make it a perfect bubble bath.  Not just any Champagne, but Armand de Brignac Ace of Spades Gold Brut, which goes for almost $300 a pop.

It’s about time women get in the act of fantasy celebration in which the victors use Champagne as a body bath rather than just sensibly drinking the stuff.  Male athletes do it every time they celebrate winning a big game, such as the Super Bowl, NBA Finals, World Series or the Stanley Cup.

For example, the San Francisco Giants christened themselves World Series Champs with Mumm Napa – fittingly a California sparkling wine and not technically Champagne — when they severely chastised the Kansas City Royals.  KC perhaps peaked too early in the celebration department, having broken out Dom Perignon when they had only won the pennant.  Lebron James poured Moet & Chandon Ice Imperial over himself when the Heat took an NBA title a few years back.  It’s long been rumored that hockey players are half-a-puck short of a goal, and the Black Hawks anointed themselves with the relatively inexpensive Veuve Cliquot when they won the Stanley Cup. (There are Belgian beers that cost more than that!)

Does anyone actually drink Champagne anymore? Has sparkling wine become as indispensable in the shower stall as it is in the cellar?

There are even official Champagne sponsors for performance awards in the arts. Piper Heidsieck, for example, is the official bubbly of both the Cannes Film Festival and of the Academy Awards. And who wouldn’t love to see the celebs walking down the red carpet while dousing each other with sprays of Champagne? And would James Franco and Anne Hathaway have done a better job of hosting a few years back if they had sprayed Natalie Portman and Colin Firth with Taittinger Comtes de Champagne or Krug Clos de Mesnil?

But whosever bathwater it is, we should just slowly sip it with our tongue in cheek.